so, so good.

today was so, so good.

I know I say that kind of thing a lot around here, but honestly I don't always feel that way. a (cyber) smile is sometimes a great cover-up for just not feeling all lemonade-and-puppies.
but today I did feel blessed. totally glad to be alive and have relationships with people, and live the piece of life that's been given to me for right now. know what I mean?

you know how you can do the same thing every single day, but some days you feel aggravated and sick of life and jaded and moody, and other days it's like your soul is singing because the sun is up?
yeah. I'm so there.

today was the latter kind of day.
I just like people.
lately I've been talking to a friend in mexico (from the orphanage, i often visit) and we just chat about everything, all the time. and it blows my mind that this is a normal person, someone I would never meet in the "real world", yet so neat.
people are so intricate.
I just love how each person on the earth has a unique set of experiences and opinions, and a favorite color and a specific way of thinking. and a thumbprint, their own thumbprint. and a name.

really, I don't even know where I'm going with this. it just kills me sometimes to pass people on the street and not get to know them.
some people need a person to listen, and I could listen!
you know?
or someone probably just needs a friend, needs reassurance; whatever.
it's so human to need other humans.
I wish we could all know each other and be friends.

ummm. yeah. okay, well now that i just sounded like the girl from Mean Girls, go listen to the beetles and drink tea (I recommend green or chai) and get on with your life. I really don't know where my thoughts are, today.

okay, here's my question for you, friend.
do you know what I'm talking about today?
do you ever feel like just breaking all those normal barriers and just giving someone a hug?
helping them out?
showing you care even when it looks weird?

I don't really act on this the way I'd like to just so you know...but I really wish I did.
I'm really curious to know if anyone else feels the same.

feeding my mind

so I'm planning to start summer youth leader training. Church inspired.
It's a ministry for college kids to love on high school kids and share Jesus with them.
and it seems like there's a big need, so I'm getting started with that.
It's a funny feeling, though, to lead someone.
I am not very old or mature, or wise so it makes me nervous to imagine.

yesterday I said to God,
"I don't feel adequate for this"

and He put two verses in my head.

1. "not that we are adequate in ourselves to consider anything as coming from ourselves, but our adequacy is from God." -2 corinthians 3:5

2. "all scripture is inspired by God and profitable for teaching, for reproof, for correction, for training in righteousness, that the man of God may be adequate, equipped for every good work." -2 timothy 3:16, 17

it's an interesting combination of verses, because the first talks about our inadequacy to do good things on our own. which is true.

that's why Jesus died and gave us His life, and His goodness.

and I'm really comfortable talking about my own badness

but the second verse talks about Scripture, and how being in God's word helps us to become adequate. it's our responsibility to get fed by His truth and become more adequate for good works. especially if we want to share Him with other people.

so I can see how becoming a leader will help me to grow as well.

and that's something to be glad about!

but I had a thought about this... it's like fuel.

who wants to think of food as fuel?
I don't; I'm usually more emotional- "what do I feel like eating?"
but athletes need to think of their food as their fuel, because they have work to do.
they don't have enough caloric need or bodyspace to eat for emotions.

you are what you eat, right?

so back to youth leadership. when I go along my merry way, "eating" mental food without discipline, consuming whatever tastes good, what am I?
I'm useless.
God says, "apart from Me, you can do nothing".

I could make up something on the spot to talk about, but without the power that He gives, i'm useless. In order to be as adequate as possible for these good things, I need to feed myself spiritual fuel, therefore my goal is to feed myself daily, twice a day if possible.

time to run that race set before us.

fix your eyes on Jesus.

wrapped around his finger

My nephew is the only boy in this whole big wide world that could get me to waste an entire friday away. He got here with his mommy early this morning and I have literally spent the last 5 hours watching Toy Story, playing Hungry Hippos, and breaking my diet, plus skipping the gym! His little face just makes it IMPOSSIBLE to say no! And next Thursday I have him for the whole weekend!

Matty's favorite movie is Toy Story, at the moment.

He beat me almost ever time!

We baked the most delicious chocolate cupcakes ever!

It amazes me that I can love a little boy so much and what I want to do for him takes my breath away. Spending my summer days with him beats doing anything else! He has me wrapped around his little finger.

had to share

I read this story and just had to share.

"One night President Obama and his wife Michelle decided to do something out of routine and go for a casual dinner at a restaurant that wasn't too luxurious. When they were seated, the owner of the restaurant asked the President's secret service if he could please speak to the First Lady in private. They obliged and Michelle had a conversation with the owner.

Following this conversation, President Obama asked Michelle, "Why was he so interested in talking to you?" She replied that in her teenage years, the owner had been madly in love with her.

President Obama then said, "So if you had married him, you would now be the owner of this lovely restaurant!" To which Michelle responded, "No, if I had married him, he would now be the President."

Now this is a WOman! I loved reading this, it is so great! Who knows if this is a creditable story, all I know is that I will pretend it is, and choose to live like this strong confident woman in the story!

guilty pleasure

You're a flirt. I know.

I finally embraced the nickname I have for so long tried to fight, "the flirt." Tonight at Salsa lessons (yes I am during this over the summer) I realized that flirting is just a guilty pleasure of mine like watching the Bachelorette or jamming to JB in the car, nothing to be too ashamed of. This summer I plan to fully take advantage.

it's nice to be home

hello summer nice to finally see you again! hello family nice to finally see you again as well!

I was greeted by a pirate (Matthew playing outside with his eyepatch), mom's amazing breakfast burritos, and love from the siblings! As soon as I got home I really did become pant-less. LOVE being home! Summer is already amazing and the sunny fun is only gonna get better!

crazy kinda crush

Cause my knees got weak, knocked off my feet
I tried but I couldn't find the words to speak
I can't let go my heart says WOAH! Boy I gotta let you know
I got this awesome amazing crazy kinda crush on you
On my mind all the time it's a crime
I can't deny it's true
Cause I got this awesome amazing crazy kinda crush on you

"i meant to do my work today

but a brown bird sang in the apple tree...

...and a butterfly flitted across the field,

And all the leaves were calling me.
And the wind went sighing over the land,
Tossing the grasses to and fro,
And a rainbow held out its shining hand -
So what could I do but laugh and go?"
-Richard Le Gallienne

all over again

"someday, we'll forget the hurt, the reason we cried and who caused us pain. We will finally realize that the secret of being free is not revenge, but letting things unfold in their own way and own time.

After all. What matters is not the first, but the last chapter of our life which shows how well we ran the race."

So smile. laugh. forgive. believe and love all over again.

About a boy,

A bad one, at that. “He’s always been that way, why do you seem so surprised?” When a good friend said this to me as we skyped it made sense. Why do I seem so surprised? Why am I so shocked about the way this “almost relationship” ended? Why can’t I stop thinking about him? It was such a mistake. All of it… an all-consuming error in judgment that had me captivated and mesmerized by the situation. A good girl to the core, this was far beyond the everyday workings of such a responsible and trustworthy person like myself. Love is something I have been cautious of for months now, but he knows this, he was there when I had my heart broken. Sure it had been coming for awhile, but this boy was there the night my world shattered. He “saved” me, or really distracted me. And I lost myself in him quickly. He was what I needed to cure the pain. He understood where I was coming from, He listened.

Love is not something I was looking for. I just needed an escape, so the comfort of his hugs and his perfect smile caught me off-guard. I ran because I knew it was too soon, not what I needed, a distraction from working on myself, etc. Months later I found myself with him again, nothing too serious, but we were each other’s and it was getting there. I figured it was fate. He was what I needed to mend, so I did. I wanted it to be different this time, or really be the different girl.

I mean is there a girl who’s known him and has not fallen for him? He is the epitome of the word “heartbreaker.” Everything about him draws us in, until finally we’re head-over-heels for him and – bang! We realize it’s never going to happen. I guarantee there are plenty others he let suffer along for months. Lying in their beds in the middle of the night, thinking about him, wondering if whatever little moment they shared with him that day really meant something. He’s made pathetic fools out of all of us.

My little moments that I perceived as tenderness, as respect- when he made me dessert, when he tried to convince, me to come with the words “I’ll be there,” when he checked my cars oil for me and when he called me smart- I remember every single one of them. He’s not a naturally affirming person, so I took those as, from him, the ultimate compliments. Even now, looking back, I can't persuade myself that those things meant nothing. Those are the things that make it suck the most because they're the things that kept me going for so long.

But I was wrong. He didn't truly respect me. I don't know if he even truly respects anybody in this world. He said it all two nights ago, whether he knows it or not. His face when I walked up, when I smiled at him. He looked over, and it was like he was looking at a stranger. He didn’t even respect me enough to smile at me. If he knew how much effort that smile took, how hard it was for me to get to the place where I could smile at him, maybe he would have at least acknowledged that I had entered the area.

Part of me wants to believe that he does like me still, that he’s just scared and leaving. But I have never been as scared of anything in my whole life as I am of him, because I have always been warned about him. If he only knew what I have done in the face of my fear, I literally dared myself to look fear in the eyes and say “you won’t ruin this for me” For that reason, I don't regret any of the time I spent on him. He motivated me to become a braver person in every way. And no maybe I’m not as strong as he’d like, but he has no right to call me scared or worried about others. Trying this made me brave and strong; if he was he would overcome this fear too and not use my flaws and our timing as a cop out. I guess in the end, I was no different from all the others, and so why am I surprised? People don't change do they? At least I became braver. But again,