trick or treat.

"As time goes on, you’ll understand. What lasts, lasts; what doesn’t, doesn’t. Time solves most things. And what time can’t solve, you have to solve yourself.”

Haruki Murakami

Happy Halloween Loves!

a time for everything

"For everything there is a season,

a time for every activity under heaven.

A time to be born and a time to die.

A time to plant and a time to harvest.

A time to kill and a time to heal.

A time to tear down and a time to build up.

A time to cry and a time to laugh.

A time to grieve and a time to dance.

A time to scatter stones and a time to gather stones.

A time to embrace and a time to turn away.

A time to search and a time to quit searching.

A time to keep and a time to throw away.

A time to tear and a time to mend.

A time to be quiet and a time to speak.

A time to love and a time to hate.

A time for war and a time for peace."

Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

i told him

value

You think because he doesn’t love you that you are worthless. You think that because he doesn’t want you anymore that he is right — that his judgment and opinion of you are correct. If he throws you out, then you are garbage. You think he belongs to you because you want to belong to him. Don’t. It’s a bad word, ‘belong.’ Especially when you put it with somebody you love. Love shouldn’t be like that. Did you ever see the way the clouds love a mountain? They circle all around it; sometimes you can’t even see the mountain for the clouds. But you know what? You go up top and what do you see? His head. The clouds never cover the head. His head pokes through, beacuse the clouds let him; they don’t wrap him up. They let him keep his head up high, free, with nothing to hide him or bind him.

You can’t own a human being. You can’t lose what you don’t own. Suppose you did own him. Could you really love somebody who was absolutely nobody without you? You really want somebody like that? Somebody who falls apart when you walk out the door? You don’t, do you? And neither does he. You’re turning over your whole life to him. Your whole life, girl. And if it means so little to you that you can just give it away, hand it to him, then why should it mean any more to him? He can’t value you more than you value yourself. -Toni Morrison

on the hunt

I am searching for these shoes to change my life, and to have pretty feet

"Girls do not dress for boys. They dress for themselves, and, of course, each other. If a girl dressed for a boy, they'd just walk around naked at all times."
-Betsey Johnson

you learn

“After a while you learn the subtle difference between holding a hand and chaining a soul and you learn that love doesn’t mean leaning and company doesn’t always mean security. And you begin to learn that kisses aren’t contracts and presents aren’t promises, and you begin to accept your defeats with your head up and your eyes ahead, with the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child. And you learn to build all your roads on today because tomorrow’s ground is too uncertain for plans and futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight. After a while you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much, so you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers. And you learn that you really can endure, you really are strong, you really do have worth, and you learn and you learn. With every goodbye, you learn.”


-Veronica Shoffstal

fun and twenty one

21 and having soo much fun! I had a spectacular birthday weekend, filled with fun and loved ones. I did, however, feel as though I needed a weekend from my weekend, but unfortunately that was unable to be arranged. Nevertheless I am stoked for my Golden year and thrilled to share it with you lovely readers.

"Your time is limited, so don’t waste it living someone else’s life. Don’t be trapped by dogma — which is living with the results of other people’s thinking. Don’t let the noise of others’ opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary."
 -steve jobs.

favorite

"We believe in being glass-half-full sort of girls We believe in peddling vintage Schwinns with flower baskets.

We believe in poetry, picnics, and piñatas.

We believe one is never too old to keep a diary, the secrets only grow more scandalous.

We believe in arranging fresh flowers unruly like an English garden.

We believe in adventure and traveling the globe, be it to Marrakech or Malibu. We believe in handwritten thank you notes, better late than never.

We believe in piggy banks and cookie jars.

We believe in book clubs full of Fitzgerald, Hemingway, Austen and Woolf.

We believe in collecting: stamps, shells, books, big glittering diamonds…

We believe in marrying the boy that writes us the best love letters. We believe in highly competitive board games—Chess, Scrabble, Chutes & Ladders.

We believe in spontaneous road trips and charming, chintzy bed & breakfasts.

We believe there’s something to fortune cookies, wishbones and 4 leaf clovers.

We believe in classics, shaken and stirred."

It's my 21st Golden Birthday Weekend, which means it's:

And the haters?

Now, "Promise me one thing: Don't take me home, until I am drunk, very drunk indeed."

the wait


"The Wanderer is never lost, she's just looking for the next way to make her life stellar. The single girl is not destined to be lonely when she is determined to be fabulous." -Gloriosity

In my life, I haven’t really been the girl in and out of relationships, I have only been in one real relationship but I have experienced many type of guys. Bad guys, good guys, obsessive guys, nice guys, seen them all. July 2010, a relationship ended because we knew we didn't have a future together.
And for now, I am just single (and single doesn’t mean I’m looking). I’ve been doing me. I've just been learning me, understanding me, getting to know me. And I’m proud to say I have really grown up. I am just single. And it's been the best teacher I could ever have. Sure there were lonely moments, low moments. There were weak moments I wished ever so badly I had a good and loving boyfriend and I would even try to make it work with the wrong guys. But everyday I grew a little stronger. Everyday, I grew more at ease with myself, I complained less and I loved my family and friends a little more.
I know that someday I will love again. But I'm not going to sit around and wait impatiently for that day to come. I'm not going to rush into another relationship that isn't going to last, just because he smiled at me and gave me butterflies or because “everyone else is doing it”. No, I’m not everyone else, I'm going to live life to the fullest, and appreciate the little things in life.
Because I know that one-day, the wait will be worth it.

"Being single doesn't mean you you're weak; it means you're strong enough to wait for what you really deserve."

cause i remember you best...

...Hating all the boys who got to you
And all the things they took
That you'd kept for yourself
Every car crash, every misstep, every word."
-Matt Nathanson

things to do while trying not to feel sorry for yourself

+ listen to alanis morrisette’s “you learn” a hundred times on repeat. + hike mountains, hills, roads, sculpture parks. + search for new jobs and activities to fix aspects of your life that you actually have control over. + go to bed at 7:30pm and wake up at 5:30am, voluntarily. + daydream about quitting school and road-tripping across the country. + ride your bike for the first time in years + listen to taylor swift and immediately become happier. (that girl knows what’s up.) + rent sappy movies like 500 days of summer and no strings attached and empathize with the female characters. + google “the chemical process behind love” to persuade yourself to re-ignite yourself. + breathe.

go together &Tiffany's

It is no secret I am obsessed with Audrey Hepburn films. I am very fond of her poise and beauty and I am especially fond of her grace. I watch Roman Holiday at least twice a month and Sabrina more than that. But my favorite Audrey Hepburn film is of course the famous Breakfast at Tiffany’s. Holly Golightly is such an intriguing character that I could never understand. I would even describe her as being random and strange and peculiar, but Audrey does this with such grace that you love her anyway and even envy her intriguing personality.

And then recently, I felt like I understood Holly Golightly, in the fact that I don't feel like I belong yet either and in the fact that I am just CRAZY about Tiffany's also, so now I'm spending my afternoon watching Breakfast at Tiffany's and in complete agreement with Mrs. Golightly:

"I'm like cat here, a no-name slob. We belong to nobody, and nobody belongs to us. We don't even belong to each other. Poor cat! Poor slob! Poor slob without a name! The way I see it I haven't got the right to give him one. We don't belong to each other. We just took up one day by the river. I don't want to own anything until I find a place where me and things go together. I'm not sure where that is but I know what it is like. It's like Tiffany's."

Paul Varjak: "Tiffany's? You mean that jewelry store?"

Holly Golightly: "That's right. I'm just CRAZY about Tiffany's."

people don't belong to people

Your own way

I made the phone call- the one I didn’t want to- because who really wants to hurt anyone? But it had been three days and I knew he deserved better. He was good to me. Us not being able to be together has nothing to do with him, it has everything to do with me and who I am. I asked him to coffee, after weeks of fancy dinners and fun dates I was asking him to coffee? Yes. I wanted to keep it simple, because I knew it wasn’t going to be easy, so coffee it was. We sat there. I cried, he was sad too, I read him my script, yes I wrote a script. I wanted him to know I had spent so much time thinking of this and us and why it wouldn’t work. He got a little angry, who wouldn’t. He told me I was scared and weak and wrong, and I know all those things are valid, I know he may think I am, but I am just not ready to give someone my heart again, not even close. So I gave him a hug and he held me so tight, he whispered “I’m here” and then I couldn’t take anymore. I’m sad and confused and mad too, because how come I’m not ready yet, when this guy is so lovely and cute?

But on my drive home, I turned on the radio, and God wink because guess what I hear:

If it's a broken heart then face it

And hold your own,

Know your name

And go your own way

Hang on

Help is on the way

Stay strong

I'm doing everything

Hold your own

Know your name

And go your own way

Everything will be fine

Everything in no time at all

Hearts will hold on

And finally:

can't promise anyone anything

Relationships are delicate. Both people have to be on the same page. Both people have to be at the same point in their lives, wanting the same things. Can’t have any doubts or reservations. Do something too early, and you can taint it. Jump in too quick, you can screw things up. Wait too long, it may be too late. There are so many other variables besides who the person is, you have to consider who they are now, who they will be in the future, if you have the potential as a couple to grow together. Are you on the same page and will you continue to be?

Dating someone new: he would hold me back. I think we both know it, and that is why this won’t work. After graduation he will stay here, working. And I keep talking about my big dreams. We will both end up hurt. I will want him to come with me, and he won’t be able to, won’t want to. How could he want to follow someone with no plan? No, he would want me to stay or even assume I would be moving back to California after I finish my free soul traveling, which maybe isn't the case. I don’t want an anchor right now. I don’t want to be tied down here. I need to go where the wind chooses to blow: make connections with people where I go, make new friends, settle when I feel most comfortable or return to my home in California if nowhere else seems like home enough for me. Only then will I settle, when I find out where I want to be or I become tired and weary and sick of looking because I have experienced enough and lived it well, done something meaningful, changed someone’s life for the better, had fun, had adventures, and am finally ready to settle down to a place of comfort, whether it be somewhere else or here. I can’t promise him anything. I can’t promise anyone anything right now. I am scared to jump into a situation that will tie me down. That’s why I was so scared in my previous relationship. I knew he would tie me down to this place and I knew he was tying me down to this place. He was preventing me from spreading my wings. He was weighing me down and I felt the only way to remedy this situation was to carry that weight with me. I expected him to come with me on my adventures, but sometimes some weights are just too heavy to carry I suppose. I will have to leave it behind. I will have to leave him and the idea of him behind. And I can’t expect to meet anyone within the next year that could possibly understand this, even when he is this wonderful amazing intelligent someone who seems to be perfect. Because no one could possibly comprehend that I am a rolling stone and I intend to be a rolling stone and I like it that way, I want my life that way. My ex was also preventing me from living my situation now, he was preventing me from living out this time in my life fully, with no reserves. I have lived and had so many experiences at THIS point in my life, within the last year, that I wouldn’t have been able to have had I stayed with him. I wouldn’t have wanted to be tied down, I didn’t want it then and I realize now it was a wise decision for me. I cant have a relationship right now, no matter how wonderful this new guy may be, I am nowhere near ready to settle, to get married, I wont be until I know the PLACE I am happy at, and only then will I be able to plant roots. I can’t do it now.
It’s a shame, I am a walking contradiction, I want to be loved, I want someone to love and appreciate me, but how can you love a creature as fleeting as I am. I move, my character changes, I view the world differently each day. I want love, a relationship, and comfort and yet I want to carry that comfort with me from place to place everywhere I go and it is not possible and I need to realize that, you can only choose one situation at a time. If I choose to settle with the comfort of love before I am ready to, I will undoubtedly end up miserable later in my life, yearning for something more. If I choose to explore before I settle, I will feel accomplished and satisfied that I lived my life to the fullest and now it is time to make a family of my own, to raise other people, children to grow up and enjoy their lives as well. But only when I am finally ready to. And I know this is only fair to me and to him and to any other him. I’m not ready, and that’s okay. Right?

fighting for nothing

These things take time love, these things take backbone.
And they’ll tell you what you want to hear ’cause they think it’s better. 
Better.
But you better know how to point out the liars.
You’ve got to weigh your wars make sure you’re not fighting for nothing. 
Nothing.
Are you fighting for nothing?

I’ve got my words. I hope they hurt you. I hope they scar you. I hope they heal you. I hope they cut you open, make you see you’ve been warring for all the wrong reasons.

Make you see that some things are worth bruising for.
Make you see that your name is your honor code.
Make you see that your hands you’re accounted for.
Pick and choose where your sweat and your blood will go.
Make you see your life’s not to be lived alone.
Run their spit through your hair, you’re worth nothing.
Nothing.

Are you fighting for nothing? Nothing?

escape

this weekend i had a planned escape to a beautiful place, the most beautiful. with adorable children who love to cuddle! and i love it there. and i love to visit. here's the thing though, i left a situation unresolved, i left with unfinished business, for a lack of a better term, sometimes when things stop making sense it’s best to slowly remove yourself from everything & become a secret little ghost. unplugging your phone, leaving the internet, refusing to speak. you can drift through your days in a fog & not think much about anything because thinking would lead to too many things & your frail little heart may be too full of sadness to really want to bring those things up. that's what i tried to do this weekend, remove myself from a situation, hoping it would disappear or becoming more clear- well my handsome little ghosties, i realized this; usually this hiding away only leads to being a ghost much longer than anticipated. these ghostly vacations do not solve anything. they store your problems in a locked case deep in your glass hearts & once the box is full it will explode & then & then & then you’ll be haunted. let’s try something new. ghost to ghost secret: it will be tough & it may hurt a tiny bit but think of how bad a glass-heart explosion could hurt! grab my hand & please listen: being a ghost is oh so easy but is it as satisfying as we first believed? no no no. so let’s change. it will take a very brave heart. we must say what we believe! fight for what we believe! never back down. we must call on our close friends when we just feel like escaping. we must NOT escape. we must say yes to invitations to be surrounded by people who truly care. we must say no when we mean no. we must say yes when our heart says ‘yes yes yes’ but our fears make us want to say ‘no no no’. we must TALK. we must share our silly stories. we must not fear how we come off to strangers. we must believe that the people who will love us & stay with us will be drawn to everything we do, every piece of our unlocked heart they see. being a ghost is quite easy & the easy way hardly ever leads to the most rewarding outcome. so no escaping from problems or situations anymore, im facing this head on, im figuring out what i want and letting it be known. it's fair and it's good.

p.s. i loved seeing my little baby Jeidy, please continue praying for her future, she is so important to me.

be what i wanna be

Conversation between me and a friend:

Me: I wanna figure out what i want to be..


Her: For what, halloween?


Me: No, like for life.


Us: Hahahahahahhaha

During this specific holiday that is coming up, no not my birthday, however that is important, but I'm speaking of Halloween it is so common for kids and adults to play dress up and buy costumes. When I was a little girl one year I was a princess, the next three years I was a doctor, the next year I was a fairy, and this list continued. And I am beginning to think that my choosing of my costume had much to do with what I wanted to be in life, now this is not to say that since last year I was a mermaid that I still want to be a mermaid at age 20, let's not be extreme. But I do believe that children often would love to be what they dress up as on October 31st, hence all the batman and superman and princess costumes we see.

As Nas tells us:

Boys and girls, listen up

You can be anything in the world, in God we trust

An architect, doctor, maybe an actress

But nothing comes easy it takes much practice

I know I can

Be what I wanna be (

If I work hard at it

I'll be where I wanna be

(Look up the song cause all of it is great motivation)

today's prayer

Above All, Trust in the Slow Work of God

Above all, trust in the slow work of God.

We are quite naturally impatient in everything to reach the end without delay.

We should like to skip the intermediate stages.

We are impatient of being on the way to something unknown, something new.

Yet it is the law of all progress that is made by passing through some stages of instability and that may take a very long time.

And so I think it is with you. Your ideas mature gradually. Let them grow. Let them shape themselves without undue haste. Do not try to force them on as though you could be today what time-- that is to say, grace -- and circumstances acting on your own good will, will make you tomorrow.

Only God could say what this new Spirit gradually forming in you will be. Give our Lord the benefit of believing that his hand is leading you, and accept the anxiety of feeling yourself in suspense and incomplete.

Above all, trust in the slow work of God, our loving vine-dresser.

Amen.

Author: Pierre Teilhard de Chardin

I read this prayer during devotions this morning and seriously got chills. I have been so badly wanting to rush everything in my life. I want to graduate, I want to find that perfect job, I want to have a dog, I want to find the right guy and even make the wrong boy the right one, I want to hurry everything because I see everyone else making life changing decisions, and I am not. But I do NOT think it was a coincidence that I read this prayer today, so I’m working on trusting in the slow work of God. I’m praying that I can be better at trusting and being patient to His plans for my life, because the outcome is always so beautiful and worthwhile.

just go for it

"You say I've been driving you crazy

and its keeping you away

So just give me one good reason

Tell me why I should stay

'Cause I dont wanna waste another moment

in saying things we never meant to say

And I Take it just a little bit

I, hold my breath and count to ten

I've been waiting for a chance to let you in

If I just breathe

Let it fill the space between

I'll know everything is alright

Breathe

Every little piece of me

You'll see

Everything is alright

If I just breathe

Well it's all so overrated

In not saying how you feel

So you end up watching chances fade

And wondering what's real"

Maybe it is time for me to just stop questioning and worrying and fighting it, and just let it happen, I don't want to lose another chance! I just want it to feel right, but Im tired of overanalyzing. Here's to me giving it my all and praying he's worth it this time.

friend,

There's a day when you realize that you're not just a survivior, you're a warrior.

You're tougher than anything life throws your way.

And you are friend, you are.