my story, your story

so here's the thing. you think you'll never stop crying. you think you'll never feel good enough. you think that everything's a part of this horrible pattern that makes up your life. you think nothing will ever change. 

and then one day, you change. you wake up one morning and that pervasive sadness is just kind of gone. you think about him and you can't for the life of you remember what it was like to be in love with him or what you even liked about him. you walk through life and one day, you think, you know? i am good enough. and you're kind of surprised it took you this long, and you realize that no matter how easy it is to hate yourself...it is so much better to love yourself. 

and you know the best part, darling? you don't need him. you wake up one day alone in your bed and you realize this is what you needed all along, JUST YOU

so here's to you. here's to realizing your good enough, and that no one else needs to realize and tell you for you to know. 

how i made him feel

I’m in love with a girl who’s in love with the world

and I can’t help but follow

though I know someday she is bound to go away

and stay over the rainbow

gotta learn how to let her go

over the rainbow 

graduating

It all ended two days ago,

and I'm at a loss as to where to begin again.

I'm happy that it is over,

I've been waiting a long time for college to be over.

But now, I haven't a plan.

I always have a plan.

But I think not having one suits me well.

I have possibilities in the works though.

1. Find a job that I really, really enjoy 

2. Join the Peace Corps

3. Work on writing my book a little every day.

(I made a decent dent in it today!)

4. Get a puppy.

5. Plan travel trips to visit friends around the U.S.

6. Save earnings for 'My Grand Paris Adventure!'

7. Learn how to make Chocolate Pecan pie

8. Redecorate my room

9. Move to Mexico, permanently

10. (Fall in love)

The last is in parenthesis because I barely dare to hope.

I want to be content just living my life in my long skirts and bare feet,

a little puppy trailing behind me,

and a diary full of dreams in my hands.

Yes, that's the life I want.

Here I go to live it.

Wish me luck.

dear future graduates,

it is normal to feel worried about the future, but with that in mind, please remember that while it is normal for those thoughts to cross your mind, there is absolutely nothing good that can come from dwelling on your negative or scary worries about the future.

do what you can do today, and then let it be done. when you wake up in the morning- greet the day with a smile and decide to do all that you can do in that day, and let that be enough. because you know what? you cant do anything more than ALL you can do. and to worry about anything beyond that will only bring you misery and frustration.

remember that there was a time that you worried that you wouldn't make it through the next day? and you always did. you are here, arent you?

wouldnt it be oh-so-much more wonderful to live each day to its fullest, doing your very best, and then let it go? everything will work out in the way it should, and all we can do is all we can do. and we can do it with a smile, with a spring in our step, and with hope in the future if we choose to do so.

let the worries go fellow graduates, it is gonna work out.  

new baby

there's this girl at the farmer's market who I secretly think is so cool.
she sells herbs.
she knows all there is to know about her plants, and loves them to death.
today I heard her fuss at someone for planting their purple basil in too small of a pot.
anyway, a while back I bought a plant from her and now it's dead. 
I guess that traveling, maybe? 
or I'm just a bad mother?
well that's okay because now I've got a new baby.
a stevia plant!
took it right home and gave it a pretty little terra cotta bed. I hope it's happy here.
someone help me keep this guy alive. I really want to be good at gardening.

taught and think

“Girls are taught a lot of stuff growing up: 

if a boy punches you he likes you, never try to trim your own bangs, and someday you will meet a wonderful guy and get your very own happy ending.

 every movie we see, every story we’re told implores us to wait for it: the third act twist, the unexpected declaration of love, the exception to the rule. 

but sometimes we’re so focused on finding our happy ending we don’t learn how to read the signs. how to tell the ones who want us from the ones who don’t, the ones who will stay and the ones who will leave. 

and maybe a happy ending doesn’t include a guy, maybe it’s you, on your own, picking up the pieces and starting over, freeing yourself up for something better in the future. 

maybe the happy ending is just moving on. 

or maybe the happy ending is this: knowing after all the unreturned phone calls and broken-hearts, through the blunders and misread signals, through all the pain and embarrassment… you never gave up hope.”

After Graduation plans…

I have none. I just want to wander and zigzag and tiptoe around the world for a while, and scratch it and vacuum goodness from it, to the greatest quantity I can possibly gather and grasp, just forget about success and the future and trying to `shape my life' and figure out the “meaning of it” and just do what really matters to me, my personal thing, my pretties, which is everything! i mean everything, including, playing with our Creators children in other countries, living in huts, falling in love like romeo and juliet, star gazing, the feeling of running, Disneyland, a mislaid book, a weary traveler, the color pink, coffee in a sparkly mug, and the energy emanating from the body of a person in love.
I just want to be allowed to do whatever i want.. many might see it as a personal weakness but i cannot for the life of me satisfy myself with thoughts of something better, whilst doing something i loathe. if i have a mind-numbing, depressing job, i can't be happy knowing that later, i can read, i can collapse on the floor or cry for no reason if i want. i have to be able to do whatever i want, when i want. this is all i really want. I just want to be happy, and I think that is the best way to live the life God gave you, being happy and serving Him.

His children

Spending my Easter in Mexico was exactly what I needed. Those children bring me more joy than anything or anyone, I have never loved someone as much as I love Jeidy and the other precious boys and girls there. Their pain and their suffering and the hardest deepest parts of their lives are why I love them so unconditionally. And when I think about it, I realize that this is how God feels about them, His children. And then i'm like, oh snap! I'm one of His children. So my sin, pain, suffering, deep heart ache, mistakes, all of it, doesn't matter to Him, he loves me. And for the first time in my entire life, I think I finally comprehend His love!

letter to my little jeidy

to my perfect, precious, beautiful, nina bonita, i love you & everything will be okay, i miss you dearly & keep you so close to my heart. & i know it might hurt so bad now but we’re strong (YOU are strong) you are four and stronger than me, I am so proud of you Jeidy & we will be okay. & yes things will be hard but that’s okay. & yes we’ll change but that’s okay. if i could hold you in my arms & whisper beautiful things into your ears forever i would. I would hold you so tight you’d feel safe. if i could change this all i would. reverse the 4 years of your life & change it from the start. i can’t, you can’t, we can’t. so here is my shoulder you can cry all you want. i’ll never let you go & i'll never stop being there. everything will be okay. you are a beautiful creature. God loves you so much and i know you are safe in his arms. i love you my little mono & will always be here for you.

heart

dear heart,

So there's this guy that you want me to like but i don't want to, so can you please stop beating so fast when he comes by or texts me.

.

play.

"i want God to play in my bloodstream,

the way sunlight amuses itself on the water."

no one's told her that's ok

"She prays one day she'll find someone to need her

She swears that there's no difference between the lies and compliments

It's all the same if everybody leaves her

And every magazine tells her she's not good enough

The pictures that she sees makes her cry

She would change everything, everything, just ask her

Caught in the in between of beautiful disaster

She just needs someone to take her home"

a few of my favorite things

have you ever just woke up happy? Like really, really happy? I mean like smiling from ear to ear? I am not a morning person, not usually. But today was a beautiful morning, I woke up smiling and happy and feeling overwhelmed with blessings! I'm so excited for getting into not only graduate school, but my top choice, but even besides the obvious, I am thrilled for the way my life is turning out, I have so much to be thankful for. In honor of this happy mood, here is a list of a few of my favorite things:

Tanning, the beach, and summer (can't wait to have all of these in 2days, in Hawaii!)

Disneyland and fairytales

Traveling everywhere and anywhere

Chace Crawford and other beautiful men

Balloons, dresses, and heels

Glitter and pink

Ballet and dance

Libraries and reading for fun

Macaroons and other yummy treats

Zoey Deschanel and episodes of The New Girl

Holly Golightly in Breakfast at Tiffany's

Tea cups and Tea parties (yay to Robin and Aly's birthday in March)

Now of course this list could go on and on, but the point is- Oh the little things.

hard to believe

After reading these words I think to myself "yeah whoever wrote this insane cliche clearly never experienced college graduation." I often want to take all the power into my own hands, somehow find a way to make that one job opening be mine over the hundreds of others who applied, that graduate school see what a wonderful candidate I am and just send me an acceptance letter already, that internship to turn into something bigger, this family to need me for more hours, the list goes on and on. The point is, I want to be in control. I like my life when I am in control, and I have come to realize that for the majority of my life I have been. I like taking all the power into these hands and make lists and lists of planning and then implementing these plans. It is difficult for me to have no power, but at this moment that is exactly what I have. None. No power. No control. None. Obviously I'm freaking out, but after reading these words over and over again and then having lunch today with a dear friend who chatted to me about her plans and how now that she has done her part, the choice really isn't up to her. That's when it clicked. I have done everything I could up to this point, found ample opportunities, applied to everything I could possibly want to do at this point in my life, considered all my options and now I AM NOT IN CONTROL. So I can relax and enjoy Hawaii in in one week, and that, that is beautiful.

Monday morning

Each morning when I open my eyes I say to myself: I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it.

P.s. This weekend I found a lady at the Point Loma farmer's market who sells these yummy things for one dollar each, one dollar! And she makes them herself, they almost taste as good as Le Macaron. I will be her most faithful client.

hearts are fixed

“Whenever you go out of doors, draw the chin in, carry the crown of the head high, and fill the lungs to the utmost; drink in the sunshine; greet your friends with a smile, and put soul into every handclasp. Do not fear being misunderstood and do not waste a minute thinking about your enemies. Try to fix firmly in your mind what you would like to do; and then without veering off direction, you will move straight to the goal. Keep your mind on the great and splendid things you would like to do, and then, as the days go gliding by, you will find yourself unconsciously seizing upon the opportunities that are required for the fulfillment of your desire, just as the coral insect takes from the running tide the element it needs. Picture in your mind the able, earnest, useful person you desire to be, and the thought you hold is hourly transforming you into the particular individual… Thought is supreme. Preserve a right mental attitude — the attitude of courage, frankness, and good cheer. To think right is to create. All things come through desire and every sincere prayer is answered. We become like that on which our hearts are fixed.”

-Elbert Hubbard


working on this

want but not now.

I want all of this

One day, but not now.

So, Prince Charming can hold off,

a little longer.

I'm not quite ready for him yet.

But you know I'll always be waiting for you.

xoxo

rainy day solution #326

if you can't go outside and you can't go ice skating, you must use your imagination

and you must go imaginary-ice-skating,

which is rather like ice skating, but with socks and a slippery wood floor.

Happy Monday

Even if Brady lost this one, I will still have a beautiful Monday because I had coffee, because I woke up early enough to make breakfast and do my hair, because my check came, because I had a blissful beautiful weekend, because I have a plan to get all my homework done this week, and mostly because I'm going to Vegas this weekend! Oh yes, it will be a happy lovely Monday.