Tuesday, March 29, 2011

school.shmool.

I have never found such a perfect picture that describes my life right now so well. This image captures the way I feel and pretty much gives you a picture of my desk/room. I have a very stressful week ahead of me and I am sure you all do too! I keep telling myself "just make it 'til Thursday Hill. Thursday." Because come Thursday I get to take a little break and go meet my family for vacation. And I can't wait to spend the weekend relaxing in the beautiful sun with the people I love the very most in this world.
Therefore I am prepared and motivated to power through this difficult week filled with tests and essays and projects and appointments and crazy schedules. And I am wishing and praying for the rest of you as well!
WE CAN DO IT!

Monday, March 28, 2011

something heavenly

It's time for healing, time to move on
It's time to fix what's been broken too long
Time make right what has been wrong
It's time to find my way to where I belong
There's a wave that's crashing over me
All I can do is surrender

Whatever you're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos somehow there's peace
It's hard to surrender to what I can't see
but I'm giving in to something heavenly

Time for a milestone
Time to begin again
Revaluate who I really am
Am I doing everything to follow your will
or just climbing aimlessly over these hills
So show me what it is you want from me
I give everything I surrender...
To...

Time to face up
Clean this old house
Time to breathe in and let everything out
That I've wanted to say for so many years
Time to to release all my held back tears

Whatever you're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but I believe
You're up to something bigger than me
Larger than life something heavenly


Something heavenly

It's time to face up
Clean this old house
Time breathe in and let everything out

Just a reminder that He is up to something bigger than us, larger than life, something heavenly. So on these hard nights where you hear things you wish you never would have or feel scared, lost, and abandoned and just wish that it would all stop; take comfort in songs like this and words like these. He will never forsake us, It is ALL part of his plan and it may seem unnecessary and annoying and frustrating but He loves us and is teaching us and making us stronger each day. Remember He's up to something heavenly.

Saturday, March 26, 2011

and so now

Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
Chili Davis

Friday, March 25, 2011

reclaiming my muchness



I recently re-watched Alice in Wonderland, the Tim Burton version. And one part in particular really stuck out to me, again. You know the scene, where the Mad Hatter is talking to Alice and telling her that the last time she visited Wonderland, she was "much muchier" and this time around she seemed to have lost her "muchness." According to the Merriam-Webster Dictionary the definition of muchness is "the quality or state of being in great quantity, extent, or degree." What the Mad Hatter was talking about in his odd and slightly hysterical way, was that Alice had unfortunately lost some of who she used to be. He was inferring that she had lost some of the true essence of herself as she'd grown older.

How many of you, myself included feel guilty of this same thing as you have grown older? How many of you, as children, were afraid to grow up because you believed you would become less than you were? Afraid that you would become some sort of shadowed, boring, adult version of yourselves in high heels and khaki pants? And how many of you did just that? Again myself included. I remember while watching this for the first time a friend told me "you've lost your muchness." Although a joke those words were so hurtful at the time, I remember thinking "Hillary seriously why are you sad about someone quoting the freaking Mad Hatter. Who cares." However, when I think back to who I was as a child I see both the me and the not-me. I see myself as a different person and yet exactly the same. In some ways I still feel that wonderment and excitement of childhood, especially lately as I open myself up more to experiencing the world and as I continue to remove the negativity in my life. But in other ways, I feel that I have aged well-beyond my twenty years (which to be honest, is not an entirely new feeling for me; I have always felt much older than I really am). As a kid, I always wanted to grow-up because I felt much more comfortable in the world of adults - and yet I don't feel as though I ever fully did grow up, though technically most would consider me of adult age. One of my favorite quotes, by Margaret Atwood, goes something like this: "Everyone else my age is an adult, whereas I am merely in disguise." That's how I feel most of the time.

As I've gotten older (and have yet to have that full-blown I'm-an-adult feeling), I started thinking about who I considered an adult. First thing that came to mind, not surprisingly, was my mom. I once asked my mom when she finally felt like an adult and she told me it was when she had kids. I wonder if one must be surrounded my non-adults to actually feel like an adult and I wonder how this works when you surround yourself with those who don't behave like adults and how does it works if you yourself are not behaving like an adult? We all know what it means in the technical sense to be an adult, but what I'm wondering is: what is it that we lose when we grow up? Like Alice, are we losing some of our essence -- some of our muchness -- as we get older?

I don't know about you, but I don't want to lose my muchness. Much like Alice did in the film, I feel indignant about the fact that I could lose some of what I was simply by growing older. (Is that, I wonder, what we really all fear as we age -- not the fact that we will grow old but the fact that we will grow up?). I understand that we must all age and that we actually gain a lot from age (I, for one, have learned so much already and I don't suppose I'm really all that old yet), but just because we grow older doesn't mean we have to lose site of who we used to be. Right? After all, that childhood self is who we were born to be, quite literally.

Today I plan to take some time to figure out what really is my muchness and whether or not, as I've grown older, I've lost some of that essence of who I was as a child. Of course there are things we did as children that we wouldn't want to do as adults, but when you get down to the essence of who you were - the heart of what you thought you would be - what do you come up with? What of that essence have you lost? As I think about this today, I'm going to contemplate the following questions:


6 Questions To Help Reclaim our Muchness

- What did I like to do when I was younger? When you think about what you liked to do as a kid you may be surprised that you still like to do those things. Often the things we like as kids are the things we like our whole lives (I certainly know that's true for me when it comes to dancing and reading and writing and shopping and playing dress up!). Give some thought to this and you'll uncover a lot about the essence of who you are. What you liked to do then says a lot about the kind of person you were.

-Why did I stop doing or continue to do those things? Some people continue to do the things they loved when they were kids. Some people even make careers out of those things (as I someday hope to do). But often times people stop doing the things they loved to do when they were kids. Think about what you did as a kid and whether or not you still do it (and why).

- Who did I think I would be when I grew up? When you think about who you thought you would be, you'll learn about the things that were important to you as a kid. Of course, in some cases, you can't incorporate these things into your adult life all that easily. But, for example, if you wanted to be a professional basketball player, think about why you wanted to be that person. What did you think that grown-up would have?

- How am I like that fictional version of myself? When you think back on that childhood ideal of who you were going to be, also take some time to consider how you might actually be like that person. You might not be exactly what you thought you would be, but you may be closer than you think. For example, I always thought I'd be a famous journalist of some sort (which I'm clearly not), but I do spend time writing and I always knew I wanted to travel the world helping people in need which is definitely still a possibility.

- What beliefs did I hold as a kid? This is the most important question. Though it's essential to examine what you liked to do and who you thought you would be, the most important thing to consider is what your beliefs were as a child. What ideals were important to you. In Alice, the Mad Hatter thinks Alice has lost some of her bravery and gumption because she grew older. Consider how you may have acted as a child and then ponder. Did you let age change these beliefs?

-How have my attitudes and beliefs changed? As we grow and learn, it's no surprise that some of our values will change. We understand that the world is a complex place and not everything falls neatly into a "good" or "bad" category, and nothing is ever "black" or "white" in this world. But think about how your beliefs may have changed since you were a kid. What attitudes did you have then that you may not have now? I know personally that I believed a lot more in my adult-self back then than I do now and that's something I certainly want to get back to.


It's normal not to be the same person we were in childhood, but is it necessary to lose the true essence of who we once were? I think not. Yes i know change
is good, trust me I am a strong believer in change, but not all change is necessary. Just as the Mad Hatter claimed Alice had, many of us lose our "muchness." Many of us lose sight of what we're really meant to be. Give some thought to these questions this weekend and see if you can once again reclaim your muchness. In my favorite book Cold Tangerines Shauna Niequist says "I know that life is busy and hard, and that their is crushing pressure to just settle down and get a real job. But don't. Please don't. Please keep believing that life can be better, brighter, broader." Please reclaim your muchness, as I will be reclaiming mine.

Friday, March 4, 2011

but for now,

we are young, let us lay in the sun and count every beautiful thing we can see.

I am on my way to Cabo San Lucas in about 12 hours, give or take some, my plane leaves at 3p.m. and I couldn't be more excited to hang out in the warm 79 degree
with two beautiful friends. we plan to
and of course dance the nights away.

I wish you all a beautiful week, spring break or not. And if not, remember it is coming and if it is enjoy loves, I know I will.

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

spring is coming


Spring break is only 3 days away at least for me. And that means Cabo with two of my favorites is only 3 days away, oh how I need this break so desperately. To escape the real world of making plans and competing for internships and pulling all nighters and feeling like a crazy person with a million ideas of what the future holds, yes in definite need of a lovely carefree spring break. But with all the rain and snow and hail and cold weather that somehow found its way back to this year it can be hard to remember that spring is on its way. I wanted to remind you that spring is coming, so please: i know these winter days go on and on and on but know that spring is coming soon. It is tempting us, sometimes with spots of heat to warm our cold limbs melting the snow away and fighting the clouds away, giving us hope, until night falls and the snow and cold comes back, but don't be doubtful spring is coming.
Wake up and breathe the fearless changing air. and please: believe in beautiful things. Believe in the sun coming up, believe in a warm hand, believe in a warm burst of sunshine, believe in the future and believe in this very second. I know sometimes things are horrible, things are cold, and hard, and sad, and stressful but you are alive and living. and breathing and constantly changing. and every time the air feels stale and it feels like it is not going to get better, please remember to breathe: continue living and breathing and fighting and keeping you heart going. because what else is there to do but to continue? please. believe in good hearts, most importantly believe in your own good heart, strong and beating. This life, it hurts sometimes, and sometimes we cry to sleep and wake up heavy-hearted but remember: the earth doesn't stop. our heart keeps going, it keeps beating, you keep moving and fighting, so when you wake up in the mornings, awake new and face the day with eager shining eyes and love with a full full heart. Spring is coming, just hold on dear heart.