I recently re-watched Alice in Wonderland, the Tim Burton version. And one part in particular really stuck out to me, again. You know the scene, where the Mad Hatter is talking to Alice and telling her that the last time she visited Wonderland, she was "much muchier" and this time around she seemed to have lost her "muchness." According to the Merriam-Webster Dictionary the definition of muchness is "the quality or state of being in great quantity, extent, or degree." What the Mad Hatter was talking about in his odd and slightly hysterical way, was that Alice had unfortunately lost some of who she used to be. He was inferring that she had lost some of the true essence of herself as she'd grown older.
How many of you, myself included feel guilty of this same thing as you have grown older? How many of you, as children, were afraid to grow up because you believed you would become less than you were? Afraid that you would become some sort of shadowed, boring, adult version of yourselves in high heels and khaki pants? And how many of you did just that? Again myself included. I remember while watching this for the first time a friend told me "you've lost your muchness." Although a joke those words were so hurtful at the time, I remember thinking "Hillary seriously why are you sad about someone quoting the freaking Mad Hatter. Who cares." However, when I think back to who I was as a child I see both the me and the not-me. I see myself as a different person and yet exactly the same. In some ways I still feel that wonderment and excitement of childhood, especially lately as I open myself up more to experiencing the world and as I continue to remove the negativity in my life. But in other ways, I feel that I have aged well-beyond my twenty years (which to be honest, is not an entirely new feeling for me; I have always felt much older than I really am). As a kid, I always wanted to grow-up because I felt much more comfortable in the world of adults - and yet I don't feel as though I ever fully did grow up, though technically most would consider me of adult age. One of my favorite quotes, by Margaret Atwood, goes something like this: "Everyone else my age is an adult, whereas I am merely in disguise." That's how I feel most of the time.
As I've gotten older (and have yet to have that full-blown I'm-an-adult feeling), I started thinking about who I considered an adult. First thing that came to mind, not surprisingly, was my mom. I once asked my mom when she finally felt like an adult and she told me it was when she had kids. I wonder if one must be surrounded my non-adults to actually feel like an adult and I wonder how this works when you surround yourself with those who don't behave like adults and how does it works if you yourself are not behaving like an adult? We all know what it means in the technical sense to be an adult, but what I'm wondering is: what is it that we lose when we grow up? Like Alice, are we losing some of our essence -- some of our muchness -- as we get older?
I don't know about you, but I don't want to lose my muchness. Much like Alice did in the film, I feel indignant about the fact that I could lose some of what I was simply by growing older. (Is that, I wonder, what we really all fear as we age -- not the fact that we will grow old but the fact that we will grow up?). I understand that we must all age and that we actually gain a lot from age (I, for one, have learned so much already and I don't suppose I'm really all that old yet), but just because we grow older doesn't mean we have to lose site of who we used to be. Right? After all, that childhood self is who we were born to be, quite literally.
Today I plan to take some time to figure out what really is my muchness and whether or not, as I've grown older, I've lost some of that essence of who I was as a child. Of course there are things we did as children that we wouldn't want to do as adults, but when you get down to the essence of who you were - the heart of what you thought you would be - what do you come up with? What of that essence have you lost? As I think about this today, I'm going to contemplate the following questions:
6 Questions To Help Reclaim our Muchness
- What did I like to do when I was younger? When you think about what you liked to do as a kid you may be surprised that you still like to do those things. Often the things we like as kids are the things we like our whole lives (I certainly know that's true for me when it comes to dancing and reading and writing and shopping and playing dress up!). Give some thought to this and you'll uncover a lot about the essence of who you are. What you liked to do then says a lot about the kind of person you were.
-Why did I stop doing or continue to do those things? Some people continue to do the things they loved when they were kids. Some people even make careers out of those things (as I someday hope to do). But often times people stop doing the things they loved to do when they were kids. Think about what you did as a kid and whether or not you still do it (and why).
- Who did I think I would be when I grew up? When you think about who you thought you would be, you'll learn about the things that were important to you as a kid. Of course, in some cases, you can't incorporate these things into your adult life all that easily. But, for example, if you wanted to be a professional basketball player, think about why you wanted to be that person. What did you think that grown-up would have?
- How am I like that fictional version of myself? When you think back on that childhood ideal of who you were going to be, also take some time to consider how you might actually be like that person. You might not be exactly what you thought you would be, but you may be closer than you think. For example, I always thought I'd be a famous journalist of some sort (which I'm clearly not), but I do spend time writing and I always knew I wanted to travel the world helping people in need which is definitely still a possibility.
- What beliefs did I hold as a kid? This is the most important question. Though it's essential to examine what you liked to do and who you thought you would be, the most important thing to consider is what your beliefs were as a child. What ideals were important to you. In Alice, the Mad Hatter thinks Alice has lost some of her bravery and gumption because she grew older. Consider how you may have acted as a child and then ponder. Did you let age change these beliefs?
-How have my attitudes and beliefs changed? As we grow and learn, it's no surprise that some of our values will change. We understand that the world is a complex place and not everything falls neatly into a "good" or "bad" category, and nothing is ever "black" or "white" in this world. But think about how your beliefs may have changed since you were a kid. What attitudes did you have then that you may not have now? I know personally that I believed a lot more in my adult-self back then than I do now and that's something I certainly want to get back to.
It's normal not to be the same person we were in childhood, but is it necessary to lose the true essence of who we once were? I think not. Yes i know change is good, trust me I am a strong believer in change, but not all change is necessary. Just as the Mad Hatter claimed Alice had, many of us lose our "muchness." Many of us lose sight of what we're really meant to be. Give some thought to these questions this weekend and see if you can once again reclaim your muchness. In my favorite book Cold Tangerines Shauna Niequist says "I know that life is busy and hard, and that their is crushing pressure to just settle down and get a real job. But don't. Please don't. Please keep believing that life can be better, brighter, broader." Please reclaim your muchness, as I will be reclaiming mine.
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