"dolce far niente"

"We call it "dolce far niente", the sweetness of doing nothing."

fall and change.

John Steinbeck once wrote, "Change comes like a little wind that ruffles the curtains at dawn, and it comes like a stealthy perfume of wildflowers hidden in the grass."

The thing about change is this, it's a whisper, it's a season, it's slow and quiet and it's not very dramatic but here's the other thing about change, it isn't always bad, in fact it's almost always good. The process might be hard the choice to change might me hard but the actual change, that's good and good. It's good to leave that person who makes you feel inadequate, it's good to leave that job that makes you unhappy, its good to graduate and leave a place you are so comfortable with. The change is good, the road is the hard part. But tell yourself it is all for a good end. Fall is about change, but really fall is beautiful and so is the end result, winter, snow, hot pumpkin spice lattes, carmel apple cider, warm coats, and boots. Change is good, sometimes and almost all the time. Allow your life to change. I promise this is gonna be a good life.

happiness is a choice

5 steps on training yourself to be positive

"A positive attitude may not solve all your problems,
but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort."
Herm Albright

Even for someone like me, who has positivity as a top strength and thinks about and writes about it on an almost daily basis, being positive is not easy. When I think of the world, I sometimes see it through a negative perspective, focusing on the bad and ignoring the good -- especially when things aren't going the way I'd hoped they would. As I've been struggling with this lately, I've been reminding myself that it really is possible to change my perspective. All my life I have been known as the girl who always has a smile on her face and is optimistic, sometimes even too much. But about a year ago, I decided I was going to start looking for the good, seeking the positive, and striving to make every day a joyful experience even more. This was something I would have never imagined myself needing to do, because I always thought of myself as a positive person, but it's something that has impacted my life every single day since then.
I’ve had to do a lot to get to where I am right now, and I still believe I have a long way to go. I’m not searching for any particular end point, however. All I want is to be happy, to live a life that focuses more on the good than the bad (though I do believe you need both to have a happy life). On this road -- this twisting, turning road to happiness -- there have been many ups and downs. There have been challenges. And there have been inspirations. There have been many amazing experiences that I never would have had if I had not made this first choice -- the choice to live a positive life.
Recently, as I struggle to be positive about certain situations in my life, I’ve been giving some serious thought to how I transformed my outlook from negative-focused to positive-focused. (Note: I don’t always see the good. Like everyone, I have good days and bad days, but, for the most part, there has been a BIG shift in my attitude over the past year). Though I have to admit that there are many, many factors involved in my personal development -- such as my therapist (yes, yes), the countless books and blogs I read, creating my blog, and surrounding myself with happy, supportive people -- I can say that, at the most basic level, choosing to be positive has helped me the most in terms of becoming the person I want to be. When I think back on my transformation now, I recognize that the following five steps are the best ways to begin stumbling down that path to positivity.

Step One: Believe Happiness is a Choice
This was a hard one at first. Many think that people were either unhappy or happy (and that they are one of the unhappy ones). Blaming this on all kinds of outside forces –- fate, experiences, parents, relationships –- but never really stop to think that they could choose to be happy. Sure, this isn’t always easy (in fact, for me, it can be hard sometimes), but it is always, always an option. Teaching myself to believe that happiness is a choice has been one of the greatest things I’ve ever done for myself. Now when I find myself in a bad situation, I know that it’s up to me to find the good, to be happy regardless of what’s happening around me. I am no longer pointing fingers, placing blame. I realize that everything happens how it happens and it’s up to me to choose how I want to feel about it. I am in control of my happiness level and no one can take that away from me.
Step Two: Rid Your Life of Negativity
If you want to live a positive, joyful life, you cannot –- absolutely CANNOT -– be surrounded by negative people who are not encouraging your happiness. I tended to attract negative people, maybe because I liked bringing the positivity to their world. When I decided to make the change to live a more positive life, I had to rid my life of all of the negative people in it. This, as you can imagine, wasn’t easy. Getting rid of people hurts -– even when you know they aren’t good for you or your current lifestyle. Not only did I have to get rid of the negative people, but I also had to get rid of the negative things too. I had to stop doing certain things that were causing negativity in my life. I had to take a step back and examine which behaviors were good for me and which were not. I learned to focus on the positive things I was doing and let go of the negative ones. This process was not easy and, to be honest, is still on-going, but I know this: having negativity in your life prevents you from living a truly positive existence.
Step Three: Look For the Positive in Life
There is positive in everything. In every person, in every situation, there is something good. Most of the time it’s not all that obvious. We have to look. And sometimes we have to look hard. When faced with a difficult or challenging situation, I think to myself, “What is good about this?” No matter how terrible the situation might seem, I always can find something good if I take the time to think about it. Everything –- good and bad -– is a learning experience so, at the very least, you can learn from bad experiences. However, there’s usually even more to it than that. If you really take the time to look, you will usually find something good, something really positive, about every person or situation.
Step Four: Reinforce Positivity in Yourself
Once you start thinking more positively, you realize that you have to reinforce these thoughts and behaviors in yourself so they stick. As with any sort of training, practice makes perfect, and, yes, you can practice being positive. The best and easiest way to do this is to be positive when it comes to who you are. Tell yourself you’re awesome. Tell yourself you look good. Tell yourself you did an awesome job at work or baking those muffins or whatever it is you do. Be honest with yourself, but do your best to look for the good. And, whatever you do, don’t focus on the negative. Nothing good can come of telling yourself that your butt’s too big or your latest goal wasn’t met. It’s okay to not like everything about yourself, but don’t focus on the negative. Remind yourself of the good in you. We all have positive attributes and it’s up to you to remind yourself of them every day.

Step Five: Share Positivity with Others:

Not only do you need to be positive with yourself for this training to really take effect, but you need to be positive with others. You have to share your wealth of positivity with the world. The best way I’ve found to do this is quite simple and basic: be nice. Be nice to other people, no matter what. Tell someone s/he looks nice today. Tell someone they did a great job on that presentation. Tell your parents how much you love them and how great they are. When someone is feeling down, do what you can to cheer him or her up. Send flowers. Write notes. Don’t gossip. Be kind to all living things. All of these things sound basic enough, strive to be encouraging and supportive. People appreciate positivity and the more you are sharing it with others, the more you are practicing it and reinforcing it in your own life.

"I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me, and 90% how I react to it. And so it is with you..."

-Charles Swindoll

mail news

Do you remember being little and receiving letters or cards in the mail? Remember how it made your day to see something with your name on it, no matter how small?

Don't you still love personal snail mail? I do.

In high school my dear friend and I lived in the same town, twenty minutes apart, but we wrote letters- one or two a week -just because it was fun and because forty-something cents is a very little expense for such a rare and wonderful thing as a handwritten letter.

I still love to write and receive letters.Of course, my goal is to be more consistent than I am and to write more people than I do. But no guilt. Just the satisfaction of sending a letter that I spent time writing and decorating- is worth it. And knowing I'll make someone's day.

I heard sad news which may or may not be totally accurate- but it makes sense: that the US Postal Service is losing so much business due to email and texting that they may have to cut back their deliveries to three or four days a week, instead of six.Doesn't it bring you to tears to imagine the faithful mailman, out of a job because of electronic communication? I won't stand for it.

Our mailman at home is especially great; he is even on our people to get a Christmas gift left. I don’t want to just open my email and have an inbox filled, I want an old-fashioned mail slot for hand-deliveries.

I don't want to see this go. You probably don't, either. So let's do our part. It's like growing a victory garden or collecting scrap metal. We ought to do what we can to support something as American as the good USPS.

Send a letter. Hug a mailman. Save America, one stamp at a time. expect a letter loves. xox

on the superhero note,

"I feel my boots trying to leave the ground, I feel my heart pumping hard.

I want to think again of dangerous and noble things.

I want to be light and frolicsome.

I want to be improbable, beautiful and afraid of nothing,as though I had wings."

-Mary Oliver

Girls are brought up with this idea of how they are suppose to act like, maybe from Disney movies (not that I blame them), maybe from the traditional Mexican grandma I have, or maybe just from being obsessed with the color pink. Whatever the case, we are brought up to believe that the right one is out there. That our knight will find us on his white steed and we will live happily ever after. We are impregnated with films and books with the stories about our knight in shining armor.But I think that the current cultural message telling us it is attractive to play dumb and depend on our beauty to have a man “save” us is completely destructive. And all of you who know me and are reading this, know that I am as girly as they come not a feminist at all- I love to wear the fancy dresses, the pink, flowers galore, the sparkly heels, the whole cha-bang. I have no problem cooking a meal or refilling a drink but I also know that woman are to be respected for their minds and their ideas, not for playing the damsel in distress. My dad made it very clear that there was to be no prince coming to my rescue, I was not raised to play helpless, or dumb, or cute, or flutter my lashes to get what I want (even if I know it works). I was instead raised to know that I am strong and intelligent, to work hard, and to use my mind, to be a leader, to pay attention to my dreams, that I needed no man to “save” me because there was no saving necessary and if there was, I could do it because we are strong and we are strong

“Every woman who plays cute instead of smart, who is known for her body more than her brains, or who depends on her pout to get what she wants is part of the problem.”

If I want to be a heronine, it is time to start behaving like one.

I wanna do it all: be an excellent daughter, an excellent cook, play an instrument, sew, decorate, plan, save the world, read every book I find, make time for all my friends, be an incredible sister, a good Christian, a fun person, garden, tell funny jokes, be a lady always, know how to shoot whiskey, surf, an excellent student, shop, find an amazing job, live in huts saving people, yep I wanna do it all, just watch me, I will.

“Oh, screw beautiful. I'm brilliant. If you want to appease me, compliment my brain.”

-Cristina Yang, Grey’s Anatomy

translation.

There's this beautiful song, I mean probably one of the most beautiful songs in the world. You know those really good worship songs that make you smile and cry? Yeah, this one is better, way better! This is the kind of song that makes you smile, cry, gives you chills, makes you lift your hands in joy and because you are unable to attain your love for God without, it makes your heart rejoice and beat so fast because your emotions are so overwhelming. I'm telling you this song is THAT good.

Down fall: The song is in spanish and there is no english translation. But I am asking you to please listen to this song and read my translation, and then listen to it again, because I promise it is THAT good. And who wants to miss out on that?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qqiQAHUU7S8

Translation:

When I think about your love and your faithfulness

I cannot do anymore than bow before you and worship
And when I think of how I was and how far you've brought me
I'm wonderstruck of you

And I don't want to conform
I tried and I want it more

I want to fall more in love with you
teach my soul to love you and to live according to your justice and your truth
With my life I want to worship you

Everything that I have and that I am
everything that I was I'll give you
let my life be to you
just like a perfume at your feet

When I think about your cross
and about everything You gave me
your blood just for me to take over my sin
and when I think about your right hand
so far we've come
for your faithfulness

And I don't want conform
I tried and I want more

I want to fall more in love with you
teach my soul to love you and to live according to your justice and your truth
With my life I want to worship you

Everything that I have and that I am
everything that I was I'll give you
let my life be to you
just like a perfume at your feet

x2

THAT good, right? I heard this song in Mexico over the summer and literally could not- not cry everything when I heard it. It did something to my heart, the words are so true, so what I feel, so what I need to be feeling, the song is just THAT good. One day, I will find a musician to sing this in english.

I’m no superwomen, but you better believe I will fake it, until I am.

"Great hopes make great women. Noble dreams make noble women.

Incredible acts create incredible women. Brave choices make brave women.

It is not much harder than that. DO the things that emulate the kind of woman that you want to become. BE the kind of woman that you admire...

Every day, in everything you do... every choice and every thought... you are becoming the phenomenal woman that you are meant to become. You are already there... imagine how amazing you will be when you keep up the great work!"

So starting now I’m replacing fearwith curiosity and courage! I need to stop being scared and start beingbrave. I need to look for opportunities to do things I love, things that sound exciting and heart-swelling, whatever the risk. I will do it all, you just watch.

p.s. happy first day of autumn lovelys, the summer's end is near again, and the leaves are golden.

forgive yourself MORE.

When the first important, meaningful relationship I'd ever been in ended I had no idea what to do. I knew it was coming. I could feel myself drawing back and I could feel us growing apart. At first it was nothing he did. In the years we'd been together I'd changed. I'd grown. And somehow I needed to get out and find myself.

The week before we broke up we spent in Mexico at my favorite place. I spent it disconnected from everything. In the middle of the desert you have nothing to do but examine your life. I was supposed to be opening myself up to new adventures, but I was falling apart at the seams.

Back in high school I would pray every single night that if God would just let this guy return his feelings for me that I would never hurt him. I would never break his heart. This isn't even a slight exaggeration. I spent countless nights bargaining with Him to please let me have a shot at this relationship. But here I was, years later wondering what had happened. I wanted to love him. I wanted with every ounce of my body to be happy with the relationship. Because I felt as though God answered that prayer, and what if he was my only shot? But something in me had withdrawn itself and I knew no other way to deal. I knew I couldn’t stay.

I told him my feelings in seconds after getting angry at an insignificant event. I was petrified. I thought if I could just get away from the situation it would be fine. But when I cut things off I was so scared. I was unable to function. I don't think I stopped crying for 24 hours. And he didn’t care. He agreed, he couldn’t forgive me, he didn’t want me back, he didn’t care.

I will never forget my mom at my house a few days later trying to comfort me and pull me together, telling me that I should try cutting the grass, and maybe that would make me feel better. (God knows why?) And so balling my eyes out I pushed (or more collapsed on) the push-lawnmower across the front yard. Looking back now it was probably a hilarious sight.

I went about my break-up in quite possible the worst way a human being can do so. Like a coward, I fled my hometown. I went to San Diego where I drank myself under a table. I made horrible, poor choices. I tried to run. write. drink. anything it all way. Ashamed? You bet.

I spent a month making an even bigger mess of my life. I then was even more devastated- realizing that I was even worse alone than I was in my relationship. I couldn't function in the relationship and I couldn't be by myself. I wanted to grow closer to God, single, but that was not happening.

I went back and forth for months. I'd move on. Then find myself comparing someone to him. And nobody was him. They talked too much. They expected too much out of me emotionally. They didn't smell the way he did. Everything they did was wrong. Of course in reality, one or two of these guys was doing everything that would normally be right in a relationship. But in my chaos the last thing I was capable of was building a relationship.

So for months it went like this: Meet a new guy. Go on a few dates with them. Realize I don't care about them the way I should. Go back to my trying to be single. Find myself dissatisfied. It was awful. I couldn't get it right.

It almost became a form of self-hate. I cannot express in words the guilt that ate away at me. For months I could still cry about it. I would hear about him from someone or randomly cross paths with him and felt this ache. Or he would find some malicious way to hurt me. I could not find a way to make it right and I could not find a way to connect with anyone else. I was in limbo.

It took a long time for me to realize that the solution was not going to be found in him or another person. I had simply changed. Something in me had transformed and this perpetual cycle I was in was only making it worse. I'd lowered my standards of dating just because I couldn't be alone. I came across some real, sorry if you still read this, buttheads.

Almost a year it took me. I still was not where I wanted to be.

It took months to realize I was searching for something in everyone but myself. So I knew I needed to reconnect with myself. So like I do, I spent my July at an incredible orphanage filled with children I love. I finally repaired the damage I caused to myself post-break. Maybe one day with him. But for now this is enough. I engaged myself in life: I surfed. I ran daily. I would devotion and pray on the front porch. I played soccer. I let people into my home. I attended a wedding. I took too many pictures. I met new people. I swam. I feel in love with Jesus again and a little girl named Jeidy.

I returned home. And like anybody, I fell back into the daily patterns. But for the most part I’ve made it a point to focus everything from summer on about bettering myself and my future. I refused to carry any of the pain beyond that time which was far too long to feel guilt.

I finally found a way to forgive myself. And I found that to be a huge theme in my summer. Forgiving yourself. Giving yourself some grace. Because I went through hell and back. And I think sometimes we need to just let go and cut ourselves some slack. I didn't know my life was going to change so drastically from 16 to 21. But it does. That is life. And I am so thankful that I got that shot at the relationship. Maybe it didn't end the way I once wanted it to. But some day I am going to look back on this process and realize that it was preparing me for something greater. It was a small stepping stone to loving myself, by myself. It sent me on a journey. And it may have taken an unnecessarily long amount of time, but I am happy. And as the quote goes "Happiness is a hard freaking road".

To sum it up: Forgive yourself more.

Maybe that’s more important than forgiving him. Maybe it’s more important than knowing he has forgiven you. No, not maybe, I am sure it is.

rude and mean and immature and pathetic and growth

You, with your switching sides and your walk-by lies and your humiliation You, have pointed out my flaws again as if I don't already see them Someday I'll be living in a big old city And all you're ever gonna be is mean Someday I'll be big enough so you can't hit me And all you're ever gonna be is mean

-t. swift

When things are easy it is easy to be happy and thankful and smile but when things get tough, when people who you thought were out of your life find a way back in, find a way to hurt you, and when school gets tough, and when you're friends hearts our broken in ways you could never imagine, that's when it is most important to say thank you and smile. Life is suppose to be a series of pull and pushes, it will be so so good at times and so so bad others. But the important thing is how you handle the bad situations.

This weekend was wonderful, friend filled, God filled, boy filled, family filled wonderful! I remember Sunday night at church being so grateful to God, so thankful for such a beautiful life. When I got home that night I found out a piece of hard bad news, it wasn't anything traumatic or even really that hard or bad. But it hurt me, it made me feel back in middle school again, and I didn't know what to do, well I knew what I wanted to do, I wanted to scream and yell and go right back and fight even dirtier. I thought of putting up my own humiliating picture, I thought of telling everyone some of his dirty little secrets, I thought of all these things and everyone of them didn't seem to make me any happier. In fact it all just seemed like to much work. So I bravely made a phone call I hadn't made in months and months and asked for an explanation, of course not getting one, but guess what? I still have satisfaction. I have satisfaction from knowing that I'm the bigger person, that I've moved on, that I'm even a better person for not trying to hurt him back, that I have grown. So here's the thing, people you once loved are going to hurt you, people you once trusted with your life are going to do things that scare you and people who once promised to never hurt you, they will- purposefully. But i think the way you handle those situations says more about you then all of it.

" When life is sweet, say thank you and celebrate.

And when life is bitter, say thank you and grow."

the point is... they lived.

Generally speaking, most of us do school and work for about eight hours per day, drive in the car for an average of an hour each day, eat for about two hours, watch tv and use the computer for about five hours and spend time doing MUST do’s for about two hours a day, that’s a total of eighteen hours and doesn’t even include sleep. When do we truly live?

How important is my time? A simple illustration is a modern fable that reminds me of my dad:

With a soft voice and loving eyes, a little girl greeted her father as he returned from work, “Daddy, how much do you make an hour?” Greatly surprised, but giving his little girl a displeased look, the father said, “Look, honey, I don’t tell anyone how much I make, so don’t bother me now, I’m tired.”

“But Daddy please tell me! How much do you get paid for an hour,” the girl insisted. The father, finally giving up, replied: “Twenty dollars per hour.” “Thank you, Daddy? Could you loan me ten dollars?” the girl asked. Showing his displeasure, the father sternly said, “So that’s why you asked how much I make. It’s your bedtime. Go to bed and go to sleep. I’m too tired for this right now.” It was already dark when the father arrived home.

A short while later the Dad was thinking about how he had reacted and was feeling a bit guilty? He felt bad he had responded to his daughter the way he did. Trying to relieve a little of his guilt, the father went to his daughter’s room and asked “are you asleep, princess?” “No, Daddy. Why?” said the sleepy girl. “Here’s the ten bucks you asked me for when I got home,” the father said.

“Thanks, Daddy!” joyfully said the daughter, while putting her hand under her pillow and removing a sandwich bag full of change she had stashed there. “Now I have the whole twenty dollars! I finally have enough” the little girl said to her Dad, who was now looking down at his daughter with a confused expression. It was then the little girl made it clear why she wanted the money “Daddy, could you sell me an hour of your time?”

This story has always made me tear up, because I have that type of dad and because I never want to be that type of person. I never want to be the type of person that thinks omoney or work could ever be more important than spending valuable time with people whom I love. Sometimes it occurs to me I have been so busy trying to move forward in some aspect of my life I forgot to live the life I had at the present moment. Some days I have a to do list of 100 things, a grocery list, a shopping list, list after list, and it makes me so angry because I don’t want that kind of like. The one where always I am aiming toward something, headed somewhere and my efforts are in majority for would or could be. Other time is wasted looking over my shoulder trying to solve some riddle about my past.

And I don’t want that!! Not even a little. Every day I want to do my best to live well centered in the “now.”

…And while Cinderella and her prince did live happily ever after, the point is, gentlemen that they lived. Grand Dame in the movie “Ever After”

lovely monday

I hope you all have a glorious day!

strange{rs}

lately I've been thinking about how everyone has a different idea of normal.

to me, normal is someone similar to me-

preferences at least close to mine in morals, food, style, religion, social behaviors, etc.

I have influences that make me the way I am and give me a sense of "normal".

most people have the same idea, only with their own set of preferences.

you don't think someone is abnormal, necessarily, for disliking your favorite food,

but you might think of them as abnormal if they ate a diet full of food you've never heard of.

but to them, that's normal.

for their culture, eating those things is how they live.

that's what they do.

it's weird that you don't do that.

you can see someone's "normal" even by only small interactions.

what their style is.

what kind of friends they have.

what kind of clothes they wear.

what they think about the world.

sometimes I run into people who throw me off and seem so foreign (which can be awesome)

and sometimes there are people who sound like an extension of me (which is also awesome, ha ha)

I guess a lot of why it's been on my mind is because of being in Mexico over the summer, which immersed me in another culture, or really another part of my culture and then living with my awesome unique roommates.

you know, hearing about their families, who have a certain set of normal, which to me is abnormal. (like eating spam)

and then I do things that they think are abnormal but it's all i've ever done.

I'm not talking about being upset or bitter.

just different.

it's kinda like...

they are the weird ones!

you know?

but I suppose all of us are the weird ones, from someone else’s' point of view.

Then I think of how absolutely Creative and AMAZING God is, to have made such different unique people and how totally awesome it is, because really how boring would the world be if everyone was like you or me? Ya know?

does that make sense?

I was going to write about it in my journal before talking about it anywhere else but...I chose to sleep instead, so here you go.

I'm not asking if you "love everyone regardless", obviously we do. but honestly, what do you think? what is normal?

I think uniqueness and differences are what make people so remarkable.