i dont want to be your best version

You give me the kind of feeling people write novels about. I mean that in the worst way possible. I mean the kind of novels that make you cry when you’re writing them and when you’re reading them. I don’t know how we got here. I have no idea what tricks of fate and destiny lead us to be where we are now. What I do know is that this feeling is familiar and I hate that this is an endless cycle of you constantly letting me down. So here’s what I’m doing. This one is for me. I think you’re old enough to make your own mind up. And I think it’s time you did.
For awhile now I have waited, hoped, wished and based everything I’ve done on you and maximizing my chances of seeing or talking to you. But this is it. The end of the line. From now on I will not stare at the phone waiting for a message, a call, or some voice of hope. From now on I will walk forward when I see you and I will move forward. I will not search for you in crowds or hope to get surprise visits. From now on, things will be for me, for my benefit and you won’t be a deciding factor.
To you, I'm plan B. And though you would never admit it to me, I always knew I was. I don’t think you were ever really honest with me, I don’t think you knew how to. When I asked you a question there was always a pause before your answer, like you were trying to see ahead to my reaction before you jumped in. At first I thought it was a cute trait, but i'm beginning to find it very annoying and unfair. You were never fair.
I thought I was happy with who I was, who you made me to be. After cogitating who I was and my personal perspective of myself, I came to a conclusion. I hated who I was, who you made me to be. There was no way that you brought out the best in me. And I don’t know that you ever could.
You never told me how you really felt. There were snippets. Titbits. But the truth was never told. I haven’t heard the full story. And I don’t think you’ll ever tell me. At least, not until you’ve realized no other woman is going to even consider accepting you and your shady antics. And as much as I don’t want to, I can’t think about anything other than you. And I hate it. But between fights you found out how I felt. I tried so hard to hide it, to bury it inside, until that night. But I’m not always going to be here. Like you said, I have a lot to experience in life and I’m not going to waste it waiting for you to decide.
So here’s what I want. I want you. I want to you to want me. I want you to want me first. I want there to be no one else. I want it to be me. So here’s what I’m going to do. I’m going to stop dwelling. I’m going to stop watching the phone. I’m going to stop looking for you. I’m going to move on. I’m going to meet people. I’m going to live. I’m going to forget all the nights I spent wishing you were here. I’m going to forget the times that it was just us. I’m going to forget the things that shouldn’t have happened. I’m going to forget all the times I opened myself up to let you in, to only get hurt in return. I’m going to forget how I felt about you.
Instead, I’m going to subconsciously wait. If you really want me, if you miss me, if you can’t breathe without me, you’ll know. You’ll ring. You’ll text. You’ll visit. And if you drift, if you don’t call, if there’s no texts, if there’s no visits. I’ll know. I’ll know it was never meant to be. And I will continue moving on. And I’m going to walk tall. But in between everything I will forget, I won’t forget the lesson I’ve learnt. I won’t forget the feeling of loving someone. I won’t forget the feeling of thinking I’m loved. And I will certainly not forget the hell I was put through to learn all this, to become a better person. I don’t want to be your best version. This time, it’s for me.

Max and Sean

(:

wednesday morning thoughts

I always have in the back of my mind the nervous thoughts, "does God like me? how does He feel about me?",

and I want of course to be loved and approved by Him.

Truth is, yes He loves me. He feels about me the way a father feels about his child; and He listens and instructs and teaches, and he is always close and never far away, and He won't get fed up and quit.

But if I think for one moment that He keeps me around because I'm good to have around, or that I'm pleasing to Him, the whole of the Gospel is empty to me, and I might as well try to crucify myself for the sins of the world.

God loves me not because I am lovely but because He is love.

We didn't meet in the middle with this; He gave, and I partook.
and so, having been washed in the blood of Jesus, and accepted His payment, His covering over me, I am loved.

God likes me. and there's nothing I can do about it.

grab&watch

let’s grab hands & watch the color return to our cheeks.

Marilyn monroe and christmas

I had been wanting to watch My Week with Marilyn since I saw the previews, so yesterday when my family went to the movies, I begged Evalynn to watch it with me and it was good. She was beautiful and scandalous and captivating, and now I want to be as poised as she is, she's no Audrey Hepburn but she is Marilyn.

"Little girls should be told how pretty they are. They should grow up knowing how much their mother loves them."

-My week with Marilyn

25th

wrap yourself up in your loved ones and keep each other warm with your beating hearts. take joy in the smiles on other people’s faces and smile big, knowing that someone else will be doing exactly the same. fill up with good thoughts and good feelings. fall asleep in a big pile of good people. exhaust yourselves with love and cheer, expend more energy than you thought you had in you on your smile alone and wear yourself out with it.

it’s the holiday season and some people have very little. remember the things you do have and please please remember that you are so so blessed. maybe you didn’t get that unicorn/x-box/whatever that you wanted… but look around you, you’re surrounded by people who really do love you… even though sometimes they have a funny way of showing it. we’re all doing the best we can. remember that, always.

gift the gift of love, and let it shine through your face for everyone to see. light up the room with it, and pass it on to everyone you see. that smile is contagious, so spread the cheer, spread the cheer.

happy holidays babies. keep your loved ones near and let them know how truly dear to you they are. no matter what faith you are, or what your holiday celebrations consist of, that’s the very best present of all.

Jesus' Birth

"The people who walk in darkness will see a great light – a light that will shine on all who live in the land where death casts its shadow…For a child is born to us, a son is given to us. And the government will rest on his shoulders. These will be his royal titles: Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace. "

(Isaiah 9:2 & 6)

My dear,

In the midst of hate, I found there was, within me, an invincible love.

In the midst of tears, I found there was, within me, an invincible smile.

In the midst of chaos, I found there was, within me, an invincible calm.

I realized, through it all, that…

In the midst of winter, I found there was, within me, an invincible summer.

And that makes me happy. For it says that no matter how hard the world pushes against me, within me, there’s something stronger – something better, pushing right back.

Truly yours,

Albert Camus

change of thinking

I have a problem,

a big, major problem.

I use to think that I was a sweet person, you know a genuinely good person, but I have come to realize that I actually placed way too much emphasis on the superficial and ultimately unattainable.

I always wanted more and more

and I enjoyed being a part of a society that prioritizes beauty and wealth over knowledge, wisdom and authenticity.

And I don’t know how I got to that point because I was not raised that way.

But for a few years I fell into that trap.

What I have come to find though is fashion is fun, but it is a tool of capitalism, and really detracts from the true happiness in life like love and just living in every moment, which is funny because I thought I was a romantic yet I couldn’t quite grasp this concept.

But I have realized I am changing. You don't need to live in a castle, wear expensive dresses and eat expensive cake to be happy.

It's a state of mind.

I have been blessed but I still understand human nature and have had the opportunity to explore philosophy and have looked at the state of the world where "riches" and indulgences have brought the most unfortunate in a capitalist society, I have seen that there is a dark side to this so called American-dream Fairytale and I find it ignorant when people don't want to see that side of suffering.

I wish I lived in a world where people craved real things,

and didn't care so much about looks and money.

I wish that I would have been this way my whole life, so now I am trying to be more realistic because I might not have ended up so disappointed and depressed about this world I always turned my head from.

I’m turning away from the fakeness and the superficial starting now.

This is real life in its raw form, things being given and taken away, pain exists, it’s real. And it hurts and it sucks and it exists, but I know we have the ability to help take pain away from even just a few, and that’s all I wanna do, so I will.

and im off

to see my favorite little girl in the whole wide world. She made me realize that I have never truly loved, because I have never felt what I feel for her for anyone! I love her so much that when I'm with her my heart just might explode! She is such a sweetheart and I pray for her future everyday, I know God has a plan and I just hope it is the same as mine. Please pray for a safe trip, full of love and laughter.

This is my song to her:

Your little hand's wrapped around my finger

And it's so quiet in the world tonight

Your little eyelids flutter cause you're dreaming

So I tuck you in, turn on your favorite night light

To you everything's funny, you got nothing to regret

I'd give all I have, honey

If you could stay like that

Oh darling, don't you ever grow up

Don't you ever grow up, just stay this little

Oh darling, don't you ever grow up

Don't you ever grow up, it could stay this simple

I won't let nobody hurt you, won't let no one break your heart

And no one will desert you

Just try to never grow up, never grow up

Santa Baby,

I've been a pretty good girl, I'm not asking for a lot but here are a few things I wouldn't mind:

1. snowboarding sessions

2. hello kitty animal onesie pajamas

3. iphone (with a sparkly pink case)

4.kiss that special boy under mistletoe

5. lots of champagne

6. white ballet flats

7. new running shoes

8. a really really good book (maybe something by Rilke)

9. more books in general

10. a trip to paris

“Let’s face it: I want it all - just like you and everybody else. It may not be in the cards, but the prospect is so dazzling that I have to try.” -Lauren Bacall

from you

Make my wish come true baby, all I want for Christmas is you.

nice nice nice

"I have always thought of Christmas time, when it has come round, as a good time; a kind, forgiving, charitable time; the only time I know of, in the long calendar of the year, when men and women seem by one consent to open their shut-up hearts freely, and to think of people below them as if they really were fellow passengers to the grave, and not another race of creatures bound on other journeys."
Charles Dickens

Today I was in the mall and I found myself pretty much pushing past people in a hurry to get to the next over-crowded store. I was lugging bags and feeling stressed. The cheery Christmas music was grating on my nerves and I felt as if every drop of Christmas spirit had been sweat from my body. On my mind were gifts to purchase, a nagging irritation with all of the people suddenly in my mall, and a pressing desire to have everyone move out of my way.

My mindset, I realized, could be defined as the opposite of the Christmas spirit. I was Scrooge. I was the Grinch. My name deserved to be on Santa’s naughty list.

The last thing on my mind was being positive. And rather than seeing the people around me as fellow humans, all on the same quest for great Christmas gifts, all eager to get home to their families and friends, I saw all of the people around me as the enemies -- the creatures standing in the way of me getting where and what I wanted. The last thing I was thinking about was connecting with them in any way. And why would I? I was viewing them as roadblocks, barriers, problems -- not the just-like-me people they were.

I needed a change of heart, a change of pace. ASAP. So, as I recalled all of the positive posts I'd written this year, my heart filled with a something vaguely resembling shame and I slowed my pace. I let other people actually pass me. I offered a frazzled sales girl a shy smile, which she returned with a look of gratitude. It was then, with the soundtrack of a screaming child and a frustrated parent in the background, that I realized she probably hadn't received too many smiles that day. Much as it saddened me to realize, I wasn't the only one in go-go-go Christmas mode, focused only on my own hurried mission. There were a lot of people -- maybe even most people -- who weren't being very positive or very present.

I thought about the sales assistant at stores like Gap, Victoria Secret, and Anthropologie. I bet they divide the customers into two clear categories: Naughty and Nice. Now, as I was striving to fall into the latter category, I realized how many people around me were falling into the former. The holidays are stressful. I get it. It can be overwhelming and more than one person is panic-stricken at the idea of not finding the perfect holiday gift.

But today I want to ask you to do just one thing: take a deep breath and act like someone whose name is printed on the Nice list. Don't know how to do that? Follow these suggestions below...

Ways to Get Off the Naughty (and on the Nice) List

· Let someone else go first. I know, it's hard -- but it will be worth it.

· Acknowledge that others are feeling just as stressed as you are.

· Walk, drive, talk slowly to calm yourself (and those around you).

· Share a funny picture or video with a friend. Everyone loves to laugh.

· Donate time, money -- anything. You will be instant Nice List material.

· Give someone a random compliment. No explanation needed.

· Do a small favor for someone you love without being asked.

· Pay attention to those around you instead of focusing on what you need to do.

· Buy a surprise gift for someone you wouldn't normally buy for.

· Ask someone how s/he is doing -- and actually listen to the response.

· Share a positive article with a friend or coworker.

· Call someone you haven't talked to in a long, long while.

· Tell a friend or loved one how much you truly value them in your life.

· Smile. Even when you don't feel like it. Especially when you don't feel like it.

The holiday season can be tough and, much as it pains to me to admit this, it's actually one of the hardest times of the year to be positive (especially when I find myself in a mall stuffed with people!). Nevertheless, I'm not giving up on positivity this year and neither should you. When you find yourself stressed or fretting about what you have to get done, take a deep breath and remind yourself that, if you want to, you can get your name on the Nice List this year, but it's up to you to choose Nice!

half so important

Sometimes I feel as if these exams mean everything, but when I look at the big buds swelling on those chestnut-trees and the misty blue air at the end of the streets they don't seem half so important.

Merry Christmas Sweethearts, remember to enjoy this holiday season, even in the midst of finals

sweet little revenge

I wrote this months ago in my journal and just recently stumbled upon it realizing it may be helpful for some readers in similar situations (;

It's done. It's been done for a long while now. How did it end? If I recall correctly it was me realizing your immaturity and realizing I needed to grow and become my own person. After that, you thought you would get your revenge by claiming you liked someone else, some dumb girl you barely even knew, that you met while we were still ending/dealing with some horrible mess. Well your plan worked. It broke my heart. Even though I had wanted to end it, even though I knew it needed to end, knowing you were with her while we were still kind of together; killed me. I was shattered into a million little pieces, and thought there was nothing in the world that could put me back together.

But something did. It was my new found self confidence. When I realized I deserved so much better than you, the pieces very slowly began to reassemble. And then I began noticing. That more and more guys would smile at me, try to talk to me, give me compliments. That made the pieces come together more quickly. The best part about it was, I never needed to get revenge in order to become whole again. Hurting you wouldn't make me feel any better, because I simply didn't care about you anymore. You broke my heart, made me feel horribly, and then did it again. Now all I see are those wasted years with you, the time spent waiting for us to grow together.

So now I'm putting that last piece back together. I've found HIM, (G to the O D) who cares, found Him who will pull some of the weight, found Him who truly loves me unconditionally. And I love Him back. And there is no doubt in my mind that you are completely gone. I don't ever think about you when I’m focused on Him. There are no lingering thoughts about us in my head, about "what could have been". This isn't one of those stories where I realized I've always still loved you. No. In fact, I don't know if I ever loved you, because now that I know what true love is, I know what I felt when I was with you sure as hell wasn't that. And I know one day I will find the guy who shares this true love with me and that is enough.

So in a sense my happiness is my sweet little revenge.
Goodbye. Forever.

stressed and blessed

It is safe to say finals has turned me into a NUT! You would think come senior year of college finals would just get easier, but it's actually the complete opposite, if you tend to be in a similar situation than I am so very sorry and I have some wonderful news that may help you cope:

"Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid." John 14:27. It was helpful for me to realize everything I have been so blessed with, everything that Jesus has down for me and it made me think about his birth and Christmas and it for even a few minutes turned my mind away from the stresses of finals and made me in complete awe of how blessed I am, and you too.

whata weekend

Finals are next week but all I can think about is Christmas and my precious Jeidy in Mexico. However, I will be studying at a coffee shop in San Diego instead of Christmas shopping or seeing my love this beautiful weekend. But it will be okay, only 6 days until I get to see her and only 15 days until Christmas. Yes. Better things are coming.