piece of good news

psalm 62:

He’s the only one

Strong enough to lean

My heaviness against

The weight of all my sin

Falling on a rock

Leaning on a fortress

Oh the wall of God, Jesus

He won’t move

Listen to this song: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KAMIa5gNRrw

1:42 am

1:42 am. now 1:43. I was doing fine, had a fun night baking and watching a movie after a beautiful sunny day spent soaking it up via a long run. I mean a solid good day, minus the Heat making it to the finals, but whatever. I get to my computer, open my email, one from my dear friend asking me to send some pictures I have of us to her.

So I begin to search in my computer, which leads me to files and folders I had purposefully hid, because at the time I knew I would regret deleting these memories. I hadn't looked at these things for at least 8 months. For over 20 minutes I begin to look at these pictures, emails, poems, conversations, the list goes on and on, they seemed to have been taken ages and ages ago, like a different lifetime.

We have both changed so much since then, we were so young... we have grown so much since then, I don't even know who he is anymore, and he has no idea who I am. We were just so young and naive, able to consider ourselves compatible because we shared journeys and transitions, where we otherwise would have been "alone" But once we started growing beyond that, well, who knows. That's when we drifted about, last summer changed my life. It made me open my eyes to the world, to my life, to my future, to who I am as a person. I am sure he changed too; he has chosen this mindset for himself and I have chosen this one for myself, and now here we are, two separate paths not connected whatsoever. As I went through all the memories of the past I began to ponder and miss him again, or at least what we had, or maybe it's the bad boy heartbreaker that just recently became the good boy but still a heartbreaker, who I miss and am choosing to ignore. Or maybe it was just the pondering. Or maybe it has nothing to do with either of them and I'm really just tired. Either way these pictures made my practically perfect day become a rough night causing my mind some true thought. Then T. Swift came on my itunes:

But now I'll go sit on the floor
Wearing your clothes
All that I know is that
I don't know how to be something you miss
Never thought we'd have a last kiss
Never imagined we'd end like this
Your name, forever the name on my lips
So I'll watch you live in pictures like I used to watch you sleep
And I feel you forget me like I used to feel you breathe
And I keep up with our old friends just to ask them how you are
Hope it's nice where you are

And I hope the sun shines
And it's a beautiful day
And something reminds you
You wish you had stayed
You can plan for a change in weather and town
But I never planned on you changing your mind

and somehow this once- so hard for me to listen to song, I mean change it immediately painful feeling song, became words of comfort. In fact I played the song over again twice (okay it's playing while I'm blogging right now). Point being, I found comfort. I hadn't missed my first "love" for awhile because I was focusing on the next heartache, but I must say this is progress right? Because the missing did not last long and the mild sadness passed and I was able to admit and respond to these feelings. And you know what? That's moving on. That is realizing that everyday it gets easier and it makes you realize that you really are strong. And the best part- it makes you happy!

But heres my question, so these memories, these beautiful, painful, romantic, love story, miserable memories. Do we keep them for more nights like this? Or do we erase them and try to forget someone who once upon a time was the only reason you smiled? Please tell me.

the bright side

" my sin- oh the bliss of this glorious thought!- my sin, not in part but the whole, was nailed to the cross and I bear it no more praise the Lord! praise the Lord, oh my soul! "

Driving back to school last night I was listening to worship songs and these lyrics just made me very thankful and happy, self explanatory right? Thank you Jesus!

Pippi The Heroine

Today is finally my weekend after a long week of summer classes and overwhelming tests and projects I decided to read, after all it is my favorite past time. I stumbled upon this funny little story about Pippi Longstalking, which then made me remember how much I loved Pippi as a child, and that led to me becoming completely inspired by Pipi.

"In the shop window was a large jar of freckle salve, and beside the jar was a sign, which read: DO YOU SUFFER FROM FRECKLES? "What does the sign say?" asked Pippi. She couldn't read very well because she didn't want to go to school as other children did. "It says, 'Do you suffer from freckles?'" said Annika. "Does it indeed?" said Pippi thoughtfully. "Well, a civil question deserves a civil answer. Let's go in." She opened the door and entered the shop, closely followed by Tommy and Annika. An elderly lady stood back of the counter. Pippi went right up to her. "No!" she said decidedly. "What is it you want?" asked the lady. "No," said Pippi once more. "I don't understand what you mean," said the lady. "No, I don't suffer from freckles," said Pippi. Then the lady understood, but she took one look at Pippi and burst out, "But, my dear child, your whole face is covered with freckles!" "I know it," said Pippi, "but I don't suffer from them. I love them. Good morning."

Strong, brave, confident uninhibited, amusing, rebellious and defiant of authority - Pippilotta Delicatessa Windowshade Mackrelmint Ephraimsdaughter Longstocking was kickass. I want to be Pippi. I want to be strong enough to pick up a house. So then why instead do I appear completely helpless as soon as I spot a boy when carrying a heavy box? I want to be Pippi. I want to be brave enough to do things on my own. So then why instead do I always need a friend to go with me wherever I go? I want to be Pippi. I want to be so confident in myself that I could wear messy pig tails and funky non-matching stockings and feel great about it. So why do I dress just like everyone else following the "in" trends? I want to be Pippi. I want to be so uninhibited, expressing my thoughts with no restraints. So why instead do I try so hard to say exactly what everyone wants to hear? I want to be Pippi. I want to be so amusing that people long to be around me because I make them laugh so much and bring joy to their days. So why do I sometimes sit in groups to shy to say anything? (emphasis on the sometimes) I want to be Pippi. I want to be rebellious and be seen as a risk taker. So why do I follow every little rule in the book, scared to even think of coloring outside of the lines? I want to be Pippi. I want to be able to question authority to some extent, mainly the ones who look down on me because I am young. But then tell me why I am such a passive person instead? After watching Pippi in action and seeing what a remarkable (fictional, I know) character she is- she makes me want to try harder at being strong, brave, confident uninhibited, amusing, rebellious and defiant of authority. Becausecliche or not, it is true- In order to be irreplaceable one must always be different. Think about it no one will ever forget Pippi.

soon.

I feel that i need to tell this to someone. Actually not just someone- but to everyone. Everyone who needs to hear this because I'm so sick of keeping my mouth shut about it.

My best friend has been going through a break with her boyfriend. I'm not even going to give her the title of calling it a break up because it wouldn't be fair to people who have actually been through a break up. They are completely predictable as a couple and it goes a little something like this. Girl and Boy love each other, girl get's annoyed with boy and wants to be single, OR boy feels like she isn't the one- so boy and girl fight a lot, and i mean A LOT- girl acts like a bitch, boy calls girl names- and thus they end up in a break. However after a week, or a month tops, they're right back into their beautifully effed up relationship acting like the world is perfect and they've made the biggest mistakes of their lives by parting. Lather, rinse, and repeat. It's pathetic to watch, really. And honestly, this isn't the only friend I've seen do this. Another friend is broken up with her boyfriend but spends every second with him still. I mean- HELLO! - why did you even break up to begin with? I see it all the time. Even people i don't know. I mean, if i see another changed relationship status on facebook, I'm going to scream. It's like clockwork with some people. They're broken up- no back together- oh wait, now they're broken up- aaaand back together!

Call me bitter, but it makes me so mad to see it sometimes. Especially when my friend comes crying to me. I know i should be a great friend and listen, and don't get me wrong... i do; i sit there and listen and offer my best advice from the heart but deep down inside i just want to take her by the shoulders and shake her compulsively while screaming "you have no idea!". Because really, she doesn't have any idea. None of these back and forth couples do. They have no idea what it's like to be completely ripped and pushed away from someone you love and be forced to let go...to have to deal with the pain that comes with someone giving up on you and wanting nothing to do with you ever again, just like that. I know i shouldn't care but this is why: I've been through that kind of break up. I had my heart literally ripped from my chest, through the ribs, thrown on the floor in front of me, stepped on, spit on, and kicked. Twice. By the same boy. I was so completely heart broken i couldn't function. It killed me. So seeing all of these couples get back together, or make a huge fuss when they're on a break because to them it's the end of the world to even think of letting go, even though realistically they'll be back with each other in a month give or take, makes me want to roll my eyes or smack them in the head. I often wished it could be me. And it was briefly. I took back a crappy relationship and you know what it was the second time around? Terrible. Big shocker there. And i sometimes on occasion look at these couples that get back together and i wish it could be me. That like all the other guys i see, my ex will come busting through my door again with tears in his pathetic eyes, begging to start something over again and i will somehow forgive him. But you know what? It didn't happen for me and it will never happen for me and that's something that makes you strong.

So this one goes out to all of the people who have been broken but have been strong enough to let go. For the people who have hurt so badly that they felt they could never love again, but kept their head up. For those who feel like going back to their old lover would put all the pieces back where they belong and everything would fit, but accept the cold hard truth instead. For the people that learn from their mistakes and never stop moving forward, even when they take two steps back. For the people that wish loneliness wasn't a part of them, but put up with it anyhow. For the people that are okay with taking up all of the room in the bed, even if sometimes it feels a little empty. For the people who wake up in the morning with no missed calls, but smile anyway. For the people that periodically miss the past, but are so much more excited for the future. For the people that have wounds still healing. For the people that have so much tied to their past relationship, but break those chains to start fresh. For the people that want to look back so badly, but focus on the road ahead. For the people that pick up the phone so tempted to call, but keep their dignity in tact instead. For the people that never wanted to let go, but had to. For the people that still believe in love even after all of the hurt their heart has endured.

For all the people that gave up not because they were weak, but because most times it's better just to let go.

This one is for you. We'll get our happy ending soon.

thank you finals

because of you...

Seriously!

But as smart and easy as this sounds at the moment, except the growing a beard part, that might be difficult, we must keep on keeping on! Only 3 days left, with 3 more finals, then summer. and even though that includes summer school it still means sunshine and fun! So as my mom always says "finish strong!"

girls become lovers, who turn into mothers..

... so thank you mother for being good to your daughter too.

Some days when I am stressed or excited or sad or have good news or bad news or when I need advice about literally anything I know I can count on one person, mi mama. She always knows exactly what to say whether its sweet and sensitive or she tells me to buck up and deal. I know that nothing I do or say will ever be enough to make her see how appreciative I am of her. And when I spend time with her shopping, on lunch dates, movie nights, or just laying in bed chatting I wonder how she does it, how she always knows exactly what to say, exactly what I need, and exactly how I feel. It scares me really because I want to be a great mother one day but I know that I will never be as strong and smart as her. My mama is brave, beautiful, independent, and the most kind hearted person I have ever met. I pray that each day I grow to be a woman of God just like her. I love you mama, Happy mommy's day!

according to coco

" A woman who doesn't wear perfume has no future."

-Coco Chanel

I am no feminist but I wouldn't exactly describe myself as a fundamentalist nut job. I, like Chanel, believe that there is nothing masculine in me. And like the famous Coco Chanel can probably be described as competitive, aggressive, and self involved. But again there is nothing masculine in me, even though those three traits are associated with masculinity, which may present several questions, such as, what is femininity anyway?

It is an odd time for the concept of femininity. Agreed? I mean feminism is all over the place. We live in this cultural moment where people are endlessly tussling about equality, reproductive rights, and what is empowering for a woman to do. The old feminists sniff about the sacrifices they made during the bra-burning generation. The type who are the men in their lives. And then there are women who refuse to identify as feminists but still believe in some level of equality. The type of women who embrace their God-ordained femininity by being meek, gentle, pure, loving, and submissive. All of this makes me wonder were I fall on this scale of feminism and fundamentalism- to even think of using femininity in hopes of luring a man into taking care of me in exchange for my independence is impossible. I know too well that it is folly to put my survival in the hands of someone else. But I am in no way above coddling men in the once upon a time-honored feminine tradition. In fact I almost long for this time to arrive. And I think feminists are the reason why chivalry is dead, and for that I will never forgive them.

In the book Captivating, Stasi Eldredge writes: "One of my favorite games when growing up was “kidnapped and rescued.” I know many little girls who played this-or wished they had. To be the beauty, abducted by the bad guys, fought for and rescued by a hero-some version of this had a place in our dreams. Like Sleeping Beauty, like Cinderella. Why am I embarrassed to tell you this? I simply loved feeling wanted and fought for. This desire is set deep down in every little girl- and every woman." I came to the conclusion that I am neither a feminist or a fundamentalist, I am simply a girl who is waiting for my prince, a girl who cares more about being in love than being in power, and a girl who like Coco has not an ounce of masculinity in me.

good luck

I have decided that the only way I am going to get through this next week and a half of school and finals and papers and assignments is with a whole lot of prayer, a ton of hard work, at least 4 solid all-nighters, long runs when i can't think anymore and a massive amount of chocolate. If this sounds something like your next few weeks too, then good luck! WE CAN DO IT, just think summer is on its way (which hopefully means fun, sun, friends, dancing, resting, etc, etc) and kids don't forget to breathe.

easter overdue

I spent my Easter break at a place full of joy and love, a place that always puts a smile on my face, a place that will forever have my heart, a place I can see myself returning to for the rest of my life. This easter I decided to read the story of Jesus, but not just read it like I have done time and time again, but instead study it, dig deep deep into the Bible and the characters and the meaning. As many of you know, I am not the type of person to be super intellectual and philosophical, I mean I probably read the Bible six days out of the week and I am all about G O D time, but i like taking comfort in God's word rather than learning a history lesson and I rarely ask questions, so doing this was kinda a big deal and not easy in the slightest. But it was well worth it. Reading and comparing and contemplating and rereading and thinking and researching and then rereading and then really thinking about the books; Matthew, Mark, and Luke was frustrating and extraordinary all at the same time. I tried so hard to read the books as though I was studying them, but have you ever tried that? It is far too difficult to ignore the beauty of our Father and his beautiful sacrifice.

I began thinking of all the sins Jesus died for, and not everyone's sins, just the ones he died for because of me, and that is when the weeping began. I began to cry because of all the sin in my life, for all my past mistakes, from the small white lies to the things that I hide so deep inside hoping no one ever finds out. I cried because I know what is true, pure, and good and still I constantly knowingly choose to sin. I cried because of the pain my sin has caused. But mostly I cried because still after all this sin, I have a Dad whose love never fails, who chose to carry my sin for me and sacrifice his life so that I can continue to live. Then in my journal through the tears I managed to jot down a few things and somehow I ended up thinking it's something like this- you know that saying you would sing to bullies? The whole "I'm rubber your glue, whatever you say bounces off of me and sticks to you!" I get that we said that in 3rd grade trying to make ourselves feel better, but if you think about the story of Jesus and his crucifixion, he's kind of the glue and we are the rubber, except he NEVER said anything that deserved for him to be the glue. But imagine this pure good (white glue) person who stands there and lets all our sin bounce off of us and stick to him. Jesus carried our sins the day that he died for us. He became our glue and we still keep putting sin on him. I know we are human and it's in our nature to sin, but I also can't help but make silly promises to myself like I'm not going to do this or that anymore and I'm going to try to last a week without sinning, etc. etc. But the whole point is to understand God's unfailing beautiful kind unconditional love.

So I will leave you with this: "This is real love--not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as a sacrifice to take away our sins." -John 4:10

He has risen indeed, JESUS is ALIVE!