About a boy,

A bad one, at that. “He’s always been that way, why do you seem so surprised?” When a good friend said this to me as we skyped it made sense. Why do I seem so surprised? Why am I so shocked about the way this “almost relationship” ended? Why can’t I stop thinking about him? It was such a mistake. All of it… an all-consuming error in judgment that had me captivated and mesmerized by the situation. A good girl to the core, this was far beyond the everyday workings of such a responsible and trustworthy person like myself. Love is something I have been cautious of for months now, but he knows this, he was there when I had my heart broken. Sure it had been coming for awhile, but this boy was there the night my world shattered. He “saved” me, or really distracted me. And I lost myself in him quickly. He was what I needed to cure the pain. He understood where I was coming from, He listened.

Love is not something I was looking for. I just needed an escape, so the comfort of his hugs and his perfect smile caught me off-guard. I ran because I knew it was too soon, not what I needed, a distraction from working on myself, etc. Months later I found myself with him again, nothing too serious, but we were each other’s and it was getting there. I figured it was fate. He was what I needed to mend, so I did. I wanted it to be different this time, or really be the different girl.

I mean is there a girl who’s known him and has not fallen for him? He is the epitome of the word “heartbreaker.” Everything about him draws us in, until finally we’re head-over-heels for him and – bang! We realize it’s never going to happen. I guarantee there are plenty others he let suffer along for months. Lying in their beds in the middle of the night, thinking about him, wondering if whatever little moment they shared with him that day really meant something. He’s made pathetic fools out of all of us.

My little moments that I perceived as tenderness, as respect- when he made me dessert, when he tried to convince, me to come with the words “I’ll be there,” when he checked my cars oil for me and when he called me smart- I remember every single one of them. He’s not a naturally affirming person, so I took those as, from him, the ultimate compliments. Even now, looking back, I can't persuade myself that those things meant nothing. Those are the things that make it suck the most because they're the things that kept me going for so long.

But I was wrong. He didn't truly respect me. I don't know if he even truly respects anybody in this world. He said it all two nights ago, whether he knows it or not. His face when I walked up, when I smiled at him. He looked over, and it was like he was looking at a stranger. He didn’t even respect me enough to smile at me. If he knew how much effort that smile took, how hard it was for me to get to the place where I could smile at him, maybe he would have at least acknowledged that I had entered the area.

Part of me wants to believe that he does like me still, that he’s just scared and leaving. But I have never been as scared of anything in my whole life as I am of him, because I have always been warned about him. If he only knew what I have done in the face of my fear, I literally dared myself to look fear in the eyes and say “you won’t ruin this for me” For that reason, I don't regret any of the time I spent on him. He motivated me to become a braver person in every way. And no maybe I’m not as strong as he’d like, but he has no right to call me scared or worried about others. Trying this made me brave and strong; if he was he would overcome this fear too and not use my flaws and our timing as a cop out. I guess in the end, I was no different from all the others, and so why am I surprised? People don't change do they? At least I became braver. But again,