1:42 am

1:42 am. now 1:43. I was doing fine, had a fun night baking and watching a movie after a beautiful sunny day spent soaking it up via a long run. I mean a solid good day, minus the Heat making it to the finals, but whatever. I get to my computer, open my email, one from my dear friend asking me to send some pictures I have of us to her.

So I begin to search in my computer, which leads me to files and folders I had purposefully hid, because at the time I knew I would regret deleting these memories. I hadn't looked at these things for at least 8 months. For over 20 minutes I begin to look at these pictures, emails, poems, conversations, the list goes on and on, they seemed to have been taken ages and ages ago, like a different lifetime.

We have both changed so much since then, we were so young... we have grown so much since then, I don't even know who he is anymore, and he has no idea who I am. We were just so young and naive, able to consider ourselves compatible because we shared journeys and transitions, where we otherwise would have been "alone" But once we started growing beyond that, well, who knows. That's when we drifted about, last summer changed my life. It made me open my eyes to the world, to my life, to my future, to who I am as a person. I am sure he changed too; he has chosen this mindset for himself and I have chosen this one for myself, and now here we are, two separate paths not connected whatsoever. As I went through all the memories of the past I began to ponder and miss him again, or at least what we had, or maybe it's the bad boy heartbreaker that just recently became the good boy but still a heartbreaker, who I miss and am choosing to ignore. Or maybe it was just the pondering. Or maybe it has nothing to do with either of them and I'm really just tired. Either way these pictures made my practically perfect day become a rough night causing my mind some true thought. Then T. Swift came on my itunes:

But now I'll go sit on the floor
Wearing your clothes
All that I know is that
I don't know how to be something you miss
Never thought we'd have a last kiss
Never imagined we'd end like this
Your name, forever the name on my lips
So I'll watch you live in pictures like I used to watch you sleep
And I feel you forget me like I used to feel you breathe
And I keep up with our old friends just to ask them how you are
Hope it's nice where you are

And I hope the sun shines
And it's a beautiful day
And something reminds you
You wish you had stayed
You can plan for a change in weather and town
But I never planned on you changing your mind

and somehow this once- so hard for me to listen to song, I mean change it immediately painful feeling song, became words of comfort. In fact I played the song over again twice (okay it's playing while I'm blogging right now). Point being, I found comfort. I hadn't missed my first "love" for awhile because I was focusing on the next heartache, but I must say this is progress right? Because the missing did not last long and the mild sadness passed and I was able to admit and respond to these feelings. And you know what? That's moving on. That is realizing that everyday it gets easier and it makes you realize that you really are strong. And the best part- it makes you happy!

But heres my question, so these memories, these beautiful, painful, romantic, love story, miserable memories. Do we keep them for more nights like this? Or do we erase them and try to forget someone who once upon a time was the only reason you smiled? Please tell me.