It doesn't feel weird to be without him anymore. Sometimes I feel terrible, sometimes fantastic, but it doesn't depend on him anymore. I haven't thought about him in awhile and I thought I was finally over it completely. But as you can see, I think about him. But still... no.
I think about the person he was when I still had the energy to love him and he had yet to crush us. When he hadn't become this person who I couldn't recognize. I don't like to think about who he is today. I don't miss the one he probably is now. I don't miss who he wanted to be or become.
Sweet him is missing. Gorgeous him. Handsome him. Annoying him. Restless him. Easily embarrassed him. Cuddly him. Morning moody him. Giggling him. Loving him. Real him! Everything he was, with all the negative and annoying behavior he brought with him.
On the inside, he never was something negative. I don't know whom he gave the right to change his personality, but it never really fit with the person I loved so sincerely. He changed shape, in some way. Became somebody else from time to time. Someone I didn't love at all.
I was so sick of him. And of me. Maybe mostly of me. I disliked us so much in the end. Everything was so hard. Only a few things were beautiful. Most things were just so darn ugly. And me! Angry, mad, cranky, sad, hurt, sarcastic, mean. I was everything that I'm not. And full of despair. So terribly full of despair, like I'd never been before.
For years, my home was in his arms. But now I'm finding, I love my life. Yes, I actually do. Despite everything. And can you believe it - I love my life even though he's not here with me!
I confess that I occasionally use to feel like I was dying when I realized that I gave him all my heart and that we are not together. I can never deny that he was my other half, my perfect match (at a point in my life). Neither can I deny that he's missing.
I nevertheless think that I now finally, finally, finally have reached the point where I want to leave every piece of him behind. I want to move on completely. I want to go on with my life. I want to look out ahead without seeing him everywhere, all the time.
It took more time then I thought and it's weird because I always think "Oh i'm so over it" but are you ever really "over" giving someone your whole heart?
I want to move on now. And that's what's important. So I will move on. But I just need him to know that I hold a place for him- that is filled with pain and love and forgiveness. I know my words will likely fall on deaf ears, but if I had the choice between wishing on a star and doing nothing, I’d take the star every time and hope that you might find my letter here and read it with an open heart. I'm sorry for hurting you the way I did, I'm sorry for being reckless with your heart. I forgive you for hurting me and for not knowing that you did. I wish you the best H. As of today i cant and therefore wont like you or even miss you. I'm promising this to us both. Neither of us can afford the emotional turmoil it put us through nor do I want it. As I walk away though just know this. You will always be my first love. Darling, whatever happens in the future, whether a repeat of that painfully past or something as equally beautiful and new, you will be forever engraved in my heart. It was yours first. Our story may have happened to others, but sweetheart, believe me it was one of a kind. Hand painted by two people who were scared, and nervous, and utterly not ready for the roller coaster it was. Maybe if the timing had been different...maybe if we were different... Maybe we'll never know.
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